|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|Diplomacy, McCain Style
Saturday, April 19th, 2008
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? Send a letter to the editor.|
|In a largely forgotten and entirely forgettable article in Foreign Affairs* last November, John McCain pledged to simultaneously restore the US Information Agency and the Office of Strategic Services. His goals are twofold: Use USIA to get the US “message” out to the world. And for those bits of the world that don’t like our message, use the OSS to make them like it. This bold foreign policy strategy is certain to succeed.
In general the McCain message will reflect the amiable personality of the aged but feisty Arizonan. Geritol for everyone. A universal bed time of eight-thirty. Afternoon naps for all. Eat your fiber. Love MY country. Or fuck off and die.
Individual nations will get personal messages tailored to fit their particular circumstances. To unfriendly places the word will be short and sweet. Stop calling us the Great Satan. Let McDonalds and Merck poison you too. Learn to play baseball and football. Start reading the bible. In English. Wear Nikes, not sandals. Make bandwidth room for American Idol and Bill O’Reilly. Allow home delivery of The Wall Street Journal. Open Disney-erhan. Or else the OSS will bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.
For friendly nations like Canada, the message will be more nuanced. Forget that socialized medical system of yours and turn the business over to fine US companies like Blue Cross and HealthSouth. Forget your tree hugging forestry preservation policies and turn your lumber over to International Paper. Start spending more, a lot more, on defense. Buy your weaponry from fine US companies like Grumman and Lockheed. Bar anyone whose name includes Abu or El from emigrating to your shores. Tell those Quebecois to stop speaking frog. Because if you don’t the OSS will stage an anschluss.
Taking a page out of the George W. Bush playbook, John McCain promises to remake the world in our image, only this time we’ll do it right. And it can't possibly get any better than that. Can it?
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A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008
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|VOL. IV, No. 20|