|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Friday, April 4th, 2008
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? Send a letter to the editor.|
|We’ll stay in Iraq “"one hundred years, one thousand years, ten thousand years or until the earth collapses under global climate change.” – John McCain
Baghdad, April 4th, 3008: The remaining forces of Operation Iraqi Freedom, Sergeant Dick Kilroy and his lone subordinate, PFC Arnie Fleagle, are settled comfortably in their climate controlled Mobile Base Unit, Camp McCain. Theirs is the only feature in a landscape of perfect emptiness and utter desolation for hundreds of miles in every direction. The last Iraqis either left or killed each other centuries before. The rubble of the last civilian structure was buried by sandstorms not long after. There is nothing but emptiness outside the windows of Camp McCain, which is why Kilroy generally keeps the shades drawn.
“Sarge? Tell me again what we’re doing here, would ya?” Fleagle was a recent arrival. Kilroy sighed wearily and told the Food Fab to make him another beer. He drank half before replying.
“Listen up Private, ‘cause this is ancient history, see? About a thousand years ago this country was ruled by a cruel dictator who oppressed his own people and hated the U.S. His name was… Obama, or something. Anyhow this guy, he attacked New York. Fired some primitive missiles. I think. Anyway, he took out thousands of people. It was real bad. So we attacked him. Took him out. Wiped out his whole army and took over the country. See? And our president back then, President McCain, he was a war hero. A real tough guy. And he said to punish the Iraqis we were going to stay here for like, I don’t know, a hundred thousand years. And that’s why we’re here, ok?”
“But Sarge, there are no Iraqis left here.”
“So? If they come back, we’ll be ready for them. And don’t forget the famous McCain doctrine: Never retreat, never surrender. What the heck are they teaching in the schools nowadays? Anyway private, you’re not paid to think. Have a beer.”
Private Fleagle drank his beer thoughtfully despite the sergeant’s injunction. “Sarge? I do remember my ancient history, at least a little bit. Wasn’t there something about a bush, and some oil?”
Kilroy opened another beer and drank half. “Look outside, private. There ain’t a single weed in this place, much less a bush. You’re thinking too much, I tell ya. And oil? What, they ran short of salad or something?”
“No sarge, it was a different kind of oil. In the ground, like. It was like sludge. I know it had something to do with all this. People fought over it. It was worth a lot of money. Leastwise, I think so.”
Kilroy didn’t bother concealing his scorn. “I’m gonna give you two pieces of advice for your future career in the army, private. Don’t think, ever. And when in doubt, just keep your gob shut. Sludge? So valuable people fought over it? So precious we lost thousands of our guys and tens of thousands of theirs and created millions of refugees and ultimately wiped out an entire country? And just what kind of bush do you suppose causes wars?! Gimme a break. Nobody’s that stupid. Even a private.”
* * * * *
A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008
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|VOL. IV, No. 17|