The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
French president Nicolas Sarkozy to his wife, Carla Bruni:
NS: Carla cheri, this is a great moment for France. Effectively, we have as the American president a non-Anglo Saxon. He is a cosmopolitan hybrid of a man, multi-national and multi-ethnic. Somewhat like myself, you follow me. Do you know what this means? No more special relationship with those cursed English! Now the special relationship will be with France! Is not that wonderful?
CB: He has a very good derriere, that one.
Gordon Brown, Prime Minister of the U.K., to his cabinet:
GB: Right then, I just got off the phone with President-elect Obama. And I can tell you, I am utterly confounded. The man speaks in complete sentences. He asks searching questions. He is extremely well-informed, not just about world affairs in broad strokes, but about U.K. politics, Euro zone economics, and so on. In short, I thought at first I'd reached those Canadian pranksters instead of the new American president-elect. But I double-checked the number. So let me be the first to share with you this absolute staggerer: the next American President is NOT a cretinous imbecile.
Hu Jintao, President of the PRC, to his wife, Liu Yongqing:
HJ: Very disturbing conversation with new president of imperialist hegemon. You will recall that in all prior conversations with his honored predecessor, said predecessor opened dialogue by repeating statement, "Hu is on first " posed inscrutably as question, "Hu's on first?" Assumed this to be American courtesy, sign of profound respect for honored fellow head of state, a reference to my position of primacy as Paramount Leader. But this Obama omitted courtesy! Began by simply thanking me for calling him! Do you think he intended disrespect?
LY: Certainly not. How could he dare? They haven't yet taught new president proper mode of address for your august person. Also have observed that new president has a very good tun.
Osama bin Ladin to his sidekick, Ayman al Zawahiri:
OBL: We endorsed McCain. Did the American people not pay heed to our endorsement? Do they not know that from Gaza to Waziristan the peasants are cheering the advent of a sensible, reasonable, peaceful president? Our base is turning pro-American! This is awful. How could a terrorist have won the presidency?
AaZ: It is a calamity, without a doubt. Our recruiting numbers are already down. Our fundraising is falling off. We may have to close up shop and find a new line of work.
OBL: A new line of work! We know how to blow up buildings and airplanes, behead and stone people, damage, maim, and kill. Where are such as we, good only for destruction, to find suitable work?
AaZ: I have been studying the List of Craig. It seems the Republican party is looking for new leadership…
LOCAL ELECTION NOTE
The ballot proposition to rename a local sewage treatment plant after George Bush has gone down to defeat here in San Francisco. Quite right too. Sewage plants serve a useful purpose and naming one after Bush would have been most inappropriate. That's why our next ballot will include a proposition to rename unemployment "Bushloyment," mindless violence "Bushlence," incompetence "Bushetence" and mental incapacity "George W. Bush Syndrome."
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008
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A NOTE TO READERS ***Update***
Another three week plus hiatus, from April 30th until May 23rd, again due to Yahoo Geocities dismal service.
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
