|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|McCain's Acceptance Speech
Friday, May 23rd, 2008
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? Send a letter to the editor.|
|John McCain’s acceptance speech at the Republican convention will be the biggest moment of his life, especially when he loses the general election to Barack Obama. His speech writers are working hard, inspired by some of the greatest political orations from history and literature. Here’s what they’ve come up with so far, thanks to Shakespeare, Lincoln, and Churchill:
“Friends, Republicans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Mine don’t work so good any more. I come to blurry Bush, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them, ain’t that the truth. But the good is oft interred with the end of their political careers. Take the economy. Please. Some blame Bush for making a mess of it. I say look how well the oil companies are doing. Look at Halliburton and Blackwater. For Bush is an honorable man.
Then there’s mess o’Potamia. Bush is blamed. But I say do not the Potamians have freedoms they never had before? The freedom to own firearms, and yea, to use them? The freedom to worship however they choose, and to kill anyone who doesn’t? The freedom to elect disgusting slime-ridden venal corrupt old political hacks to high office, the very same freedom we enjoy here in the republic of Republicans? Bush is an honorable man.
There’s the mess in Cuba. That base where we torture evil-doers. Now I don’t hold with torture. And I know whereof I speak – living with Cindy is no picnic, believe me. Bush gets the blame for Guantana-meo, baddida Guantana-meeeooo, baddida Guantana meh heh oh! Been wanting to sing that out for some time now. I break into song every once in a while. Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran. Get used to it. But I digress. Nobody likes torture but it’s an ill wind that doesn’t blow somebody pretty good, and look where torture blew me. Am I not, like Bush, an honorable man?
Three score and thirteen years ago my father brought forth not on this continent a new warrior concieved with difficulty (for like me he was just a little putz), dedicated to the proposition that not all lobbyists are created equal, because only the skinny blond ones shall be propositioned. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing that very proposition. I’ll let you know how it turns out after I call ol’ Iseman after my speech.
But in a larger sense we can not dedicate – we can not consecrate – our campaign to lobbyists. Though we are trying. The brave lobbyists who struggled to get me here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract from the tens of millions they have paid me. They live so that they may continue to pour their treasure into my coffers. Unlike the poor saps I’m keeping in Iraq for another hundred years, who we resolved pretty early on are dying in vain. As for adequate veteran’s benefits, forget it. It is for the living rather to be dedicated the full faith and credit of my administration, so help me God. And those lobbyists do live. The steak dinners, the private jets, the golf holidays. Yes, by God I am an honorable man.
I have, myself, full confidence that if all lobbyists do their duty, if no dime of contribution is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made to smear my opponent, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our Reprobatelican franchise and ride out the storm of election. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and on the streets, we will never surrender a single patronage job or government contract or lucrative office until in God’s good time a new Reprobatelican comes to take the place of this old one.
Once more unto the breach, good friends. Like I tell ol’ Vikki all the time. There’s nothing in peace that becomes a man, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, which it will constantly in my administration, I promise you that, then imitate the action of the tiger and feast while it’s hot and bloody. For it is truly said: there is no fool like an old fool.”.
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A NOTE TO READERS ***Update***
Another three week plus hiatus, from April 30th until May 23rd, again due to Yahoo Geocities dismal service.
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008
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