|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Friday, July 7th, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|There was a birthday party at the White House for George W. Bush, who turned 60 yesterday. “60 ain’t so old” the President declared, and watching him in action, none of his guests were inclined to disagree. After rousing games of pin the tail on the donkey and musical chairs, party-goers gathered to watch the 43rd President beat an outsize pinata to bits with a personalized Louisville slugger. The President was disappointed to find the pinata, a gift from Kim Jong Il of North Korea, filled with shrapnel instead of the traditional candy, but fortunately no one was injured. After ice cream and cake, it was a tired but happy birthday Bush who settled down to read Karl Rove some of the thousands of birthday cards he’d received.
“Why shucks, here’s one from Bad Vlad Putin. Kinda cute pit’cher, but how come he’s kissin’ that little boy’s belly? Must be some kinda rooskie thing. Get this – he writes ‘Best wishes on this happy occasion, comrade, and best of luck in Afghanistan. May you fare there as well as we did!’ Now I call that right friendly of old Vlad, don’t you?”
“I believe the Russians were in Afghanistan for something like ten years, Mr. President, and they lost the war. That defeat helped finish the Soviet Union. Putin’s just being ornery” Rove growled.
“Is that right? Well, here’s a nice one from Black Jacques Chirac. Cute gals in this pit’cher, but what do they have to do with my birthday… Oh, I get it. Birthday suits! Those Frenchies are somethin’, ain’t they? Don’t let Laura see this one. Black Jacques says ‘Bon anniversaire, M. le President. I take the occasion to express my gratitude for all the help you have given me in getting, and staying, elected President of France. Mille mercis.’ Not sure I understand all of it, but how ‘bout that, didn’t even know I helped him get elected. Nice of him to mention it though, ain’t it?”
“Chirac ran against your foreign policy, Mr. President. He leveraged French anti-American sentiment by attacking you, and it worked.” Rove took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes wearily.
“You don’t say? OK, this really is a good one. From my boy Perv Musharaf over Pakistan way. My ally in the war on terr’r. Says ‘Best birthday wishes from the sub-continent. I celebrate today too, having survived my 20th assassination attempt. My people love me almost as much as yours do you!’ Well, he’s sure right about that. See, you know you’re popular when they criticize you, or try to assass’nate you, ‘cause they do it out of jealousy at your bein’ so well-liked. See?”
“Up to a point, Mr. President” Rove muttered.
“Sure. Here’s one from the Tonester, good old Tony Blair over in the U. of K. ‘Dear George, happy happy. Someday they’ll appreciate us properly. Meanwhile, I believe my party’s sunk in the next elections over my support of the Iraq war. Never mind! It’s really of no consequence. You enjoy yourself biking and so forth. Perhaps you can give me some tips on how to occupy leisure time, as I believe you’re an expert, and I’ll have a great deal more of it very soon!’ Good of him, ain’t it? I’ll just have to teach that bad boy how to golf and fish and all, see if I don’t. Nice guy, Tony, but he works too hard.”
“You said it, Mr. President.” Rove looked at his watch.
“Okey, just one more. I’ll just grab one out of the pile at random… Now who’s this from? This pit’cher! Ain’t that Elmer Fudd, shootin’ and missin’ old Bugs Bunny, like he always does? What do you think that’s supposed to mean? Let’s see what it says: ‘Sincere good wishes on this your day, President Bush. On behalf of all my colleagues, we thank you most earnestly for record recruitment and fund raising, and all the great publicity. Keep up the great work, thanks be to God, your admirer…’ Well, can you beat it? This one’s from the evil-doer himself, the big O, Osama himself. Of all the nerve. How dare he. Now where in heck did he get a card like this on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border? There can’t be a Hallmark store for miles. Anyways, just shows how everybody loves me, even my enemies. If bein’ loved is a measure of how good you’re doin’, I must be doin’ great!”
“No argument here, Mr. President. Now if I may give you my little birthday present, I’ll be on my way. This is a work day for some of us.”
Rove handed the president a box covered in bright wrapping paper, which was stripped away in moments by the avid Commander in Chief.
“Why Karl, it’s exactly what I always wanted. How did ya know? Thanks a million, Turd-blossom. This is better than a zillion cards!”
Rove winced, as he always did when the president used his pet nickname, and quickly took his leave. Mr. Bush locked the Oval Office door, then sprawled on the rug to play with his gift: the complete set of Mattel George W. Bush action figures, including Fighter Pilot George and Chainsaw George. They were posable and accessorized, and kept the president busy for hours.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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