|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|American Conservatism: An Encyclopedia is now in bookstores everywhere except in San Francisco. With nine-hundred and ninety-seven pages of red blooded, red state ideas, the volume is a must have for right thinking Americans. According to the snippets quoted in the New York Times, the work is rich in universal truths, such as that Bill Clinton was “corrupt,” whereas Ronald Reagan was “vigorous and principled.”* The “courtesy and dignity” of segregationist senator Strom Thurmond and the virtues of segregationist governor George Wallace are duly lauded, while the encyclopedists are ambivalent about the legacy of Abraham Lincoln.
Just as the Encyclopedie of 18C France revolutionized European thought by making a vast trove of knowledge universally accessible, so the Conservative Encyclopedia will transform our nation’s intellectual landscape by teaching us all the right way to think. Furthermore, forget all those home exercise equipment devices advertised on late night TV. With the Conservative Encyclopedia in hand, the wishy-washy and the namby-pamby, the flip-floppers and the milquetoasts, will turn into hairy, fire-breathing, barrel-chested, conservative he-men. Somewhat like Anne Coulter, who didn’t rate an entry.
Here finally is the reference work for the rest of us, where the true meaning of conservative concepts like cut and run, we’ll stand down and when they stand up, judicial activism, family values, faith-based, fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here, stay the course, support our troops, accomplish the mission, war on terror, axis of evil, and other favorites is fully explicated. When Bill Frist declares that “surrender is not an option,” have you ever wondered what, if anything, he meant? The Conservative Encyclopedia has the answer. When George Bush says that terrorists “hate us for our freedom,” you’ll learn exactly what is on his mind (assuming he has one) from the Conservative Encyclopedia.
Decider, misunderestimate, hispanically, barrifs, hypnotheoretical, suicider, nucular, strategery, and other obscure words from the conservative lexicon are defined; conservative turns of phrase, such as “if you will,” a favorite of Dick Cheney, as in "We also have to work, though, sort of the dark side, if you will,” are fully explained.
Of course, not everyone will have the time to read all 997 pages of American Conservatism: An Encyclopedia. Many will balk at the hefty $35.00 price tag. Given the state of public education in our country after more than six years of conservative rule, significant numbers will not be able to derive much sense from a reading of the book anyway, even presuming there is any to be had.
For all who will spurn this seminal work, we offer as a public service the following summary of the collective conservative wisdom in its pages, in the form of the new conservative Macho Manifesto:
“We, the conservatives of America, hold these truths to be self-evident; that all wealthy white Christian males are created more or less equal, depending on their relative household income, ancestral pedigree, home country club, and parents’ ability to golf, shoot, fish, and drink old fashioneds, that they are endowed by their creator, Jesus’ father, at whatever point Jesus converted from Jewish to Christian, with certain non-illegal-alien rights, that among these are life in a gated community, liberty for our SUVs, snowmobiles, all-terrain vehicles, jet skis, and handguns, and the pursuit of happiness through consumerism, minority-bashing, unlimited spending on defense, unfettered oil drilling, coal mining, clear-cutting, and property development, regressive taxation, xenophobia, paranoia, and willful ignorance. So help us, God.”
Amen to that last bit, because we’re going to need it.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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