|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Sunday, May 21st, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|With the president’s approval ratings continuing to head south, the White House is coming up with creative ways to boost Mr. Bush’s numbers.
Deploying the National Guard to the southern border is one sure-fire administration winner. After the heat, violence, dust, and confusion of Iraq, the heat, dust, violence, and confusion of the borders is sure to be a pleasant homecoming for repatriated Guard members. In Iraq our fighting men and women didn’t have border resorts like El Paso to repair to on Saturday nights, so their new duties are sure to be seen as something of a respite. Then too, most Mexican would-be strawberry pickers trying to cross the border are unarmed, which will be a welcome change for the Guard after the AK 47 toting Mesopotamians.
The administration also plans to spend billions on high tech border monitoring gadgets such as spy dirigibles and airborne drones. Defense contractors like Lockheed and Grumman are lining up at the trough. These devices are proven peace keepers, as demonstrated by their widespread use in Afghanistan and Iraq. Border state governors look forward to seeing their domains become similar havens of peace, law, and order.
Although deeply offensive to Hispanic voters, white conservatives, and the extended families of National Guardsmen-and-women, the White House is counting on a surge of support from defense company shareholders for its bold initiative.
Reestablishing diplomatic relations with Libya is another White House gambit sure to pay big dividends for the president. Libya, a long-time pariah, especially so after Libyan secret agents blew up Pan Am 103 over Scotland in 1988, is being welcomed back into the U.S. fold after paying some $2 billion in reparations to families of the Flight 103 victims. As Mr. Cheney is fond of saying, money talks. Besides, Colonel Qadhafi's oil reserves, the largest in Africa, are far too extensive to allow them to be monopolized by the Chinese. U.S. oil companies, excited about the prospect of doing business in Libya, are lining up at the trough.
Although the move is being questioned by those opposed to supporting terrorist tyrants and deranged despots, oil company shareholders are certain to register their support at the polls.
Air Force General Michael Hayden, the administration’s nominee for CIA Director, is a really popular pick. As assistant director at NSA, General Hayden presided over a thorough modernization of the secret spy agency’s technological wizardry. General Hayden’s classified program ‘Trailblazer’ clocked in at $1.2 billion while achieving “few useful results” according to the New York Times.* Another Hayden initiative, ‘Groundbreaker’, designed to modernize NSA’s computers, contracted out much of the super secret agency’s computing to private enterprise at vast expense. The result, again according to the NYT, was computer crashes and “years of headaches.”
While the usual suspects may carp and cavil at a nominee who succeeded in both wasting billions of taxpayer dollars and in reducing the efficacy of our intelligence operations, others applaud Hayden’s nomination. The information technology contractors are lining up at the trough, and their shareholders are certain to celebrate by voting Republican in the midterm polls.
But the White House is not so foolish as to confine the tidings of joy to defense, oil, and infotech stock owners. Administration operatives are working night and day to extend or even make permanent the low 15% tax rate on dividends and capital gains, thus benefiting shareholders everywhere. Since, according to the Tax Policy Center,** that includes fully all 10% of the country’s wealthiest citizens, the move is guaranteed to stem the tide of defecting Bush supporters in that group.
Shareholders are lining up at the trough. What about the other ninety percent of the U.S. electorate? As Vice President Cheney, a man worth close to $100 million in stock himself, is fond of saying, “let them eat birdshot.”
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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