|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|When truth is more novel than fiction, we have no choice but to turn to the truth for true novelty. And so we learn from Vanity Fair magazine that Dick Cheney keeps a chemical weapons suit on the back seat of his limo at all times, just in case he’s attacked by The Jackal. For those who missed it, The Jackal was the eponymous would-be assassin of Charles de Gaulle in a corking thriller by Frederick Forsyth. [Anybody who hasn’t read Day of the Jackal yet, skip the next sentence.] Memo to Cheney: The Jackal is dead, killed by French undercover police at the end of the story. You can go back to shooting your friends in the face now, worry-free.
President Bush, who during two presidential campaigns let it be understood that he speaks pretty good Spanish, now claims his Spanish isn’t good enough to sing the national anthem in that language. This, despite the fact that Kevin Phillips, in his book about the Bushes called American Dynasty, says he’s sung “O Puedes Ver” on many occasions. Besides insisting that O Say Can You See be sung in English, Mr. Bush is now exhorting immigrants to speak our native tongue (the one we stole from the English.) His exhortation is bound to be taken more seriously when he learns to speak English himself.
And speaking of language problems, Mr. Cheney’s been traveling in Lithuania, Azerbaijan, and Kazakhstan, and other parts east, denouncing those who violate human rights, curtail freedom of speech and assembly, and throw opponents in jail without benefit of trial. Excited reporters traveling with the vice president thought for a moment he’d slipped into confessional mode, admitting his own sins of the past six years. The excitement passed when Cheney made clear he was referring to the Russians. “How do you say ‘pot calls kettle black’ in Azeri?” one veteran journalist was heard to ask.
Mr. Vice’s eastern trip is intended to rally Central Asian and Baltic states to the cause of sending us more of their oil and natural gas. Cheney, who crafted the nation’s energy policy at the beginning of his first term with the help of Halliburton, Enron, Exxon, and Chevron, made the excellent point that the energy industry has been reaping record profits ever since. When a listener asked about Enron, Mr. Cheney replied that the company’s implosion was “a detail of history.” He also pointed out that should Kenneth Lay be sentenced to jail, U.S. presidents enjoy the power to pardon convicted criminals. This was music to the ears of Kazakh President Nazarbayev, who just last February had his principal political opponent savagely murdered.
In other details of history, Representative Patrick Kennedy, D-RI, crashed his car into a barrier at the Capitol in the wee hours of Thursday morning, addled with sleeping pills, non-prescription drugs, booze, or some combination of the three, making front pages everywhere. The righteous across the land are howling for the severest possible punishment for the troubled son of Senator Edward Kennedy. Meanwhile, righteous radio host and obese prescription drug addict Rush Limbaugh just brokered a deal with Florida law enforcement: In exchange for a $30,000 fine and rehab time, Mr. Limbaugh will avoid going to jail on drug charges. This is merely practicing what he preaches. Prior to his conviction, Mr. Limbaugh had repeatedly told his radio audience of millions that jail was too good for drug addicts.
The story made the back pages of some newspapers, while being roundly ignored by most other media outlets. Speaking in tongues, Mr. Limbaugh told his radio audience that his little brush with the law was “a detail of history.” During the same broadcast, he patriotically joined with reformed alcoholic George W. Bush in offering to sing a speaking in tongues duet of the national anthem before the next Washington Nationals home game. Major League Baseball agreed to consider the suggestion, provided both Mr. Bush and Mr. Limbaugh pass their next drug test.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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