|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Monday, August 4th,
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? Send a letter to the editor.|
|Sunday, August 03, 2008
I take a lot of flack for occasionally getting a little confused about things. Like Sunni and Shia. The borders of Pakistan and Iraq. The timeline of the glorious surge. What my positions are on stem cell research, social security privatization, offshore drilling, tax cuts for the rich, benefits for veterans. The name of the country formerly known as Czechoslovakia. Right and wrong. Little things that anyone could get confused about.
But people don't know the half of it, Diary. Because (and I'd only admit this to you), frankly a lot of things about the modern world confuse the shit out of me and I just don't know where to turn for answers. These cell phones for instance. Cindy-pills tells me I'd better have one. But should I get an i-Phone or a g-Spot? She didn't know about either one. And computers. What's better, a laptop, or a lapdance?
And what's the difference between blogging and snogging and jogging? And what the hell is texting? And is MySpace a new NASA program? And for that matter what the devil happened to spaces between words, and capital letters, and evening newspapers, and Laurence Welk? I'm a little confused Diary, but I'll get there eventually, and tell you all about it too. Just as soon as I figure out how to change the ribbon in this typewriter.
John Sidney McCain, III
Monday, August 04, 2008
I've never been proud of my country until right now. Or maybe I mean I've never been AS proud of my country. Whatever. Country first, America Uber Alles. So I lay out my policies one after the other. The economy: be richer, you rich. Health: don't get sick, especially if you're poor. National security: just say "war". Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran – there's a reason why war rhymes with more. Energy: drill on in, the water's fine. Housing: what, me worry? Me and Cindy-pills have like eight of them. Climate change: with bespoke Savile Row suits in ultra-tropical weight filling my closets, turn up the thermostat all you want. At my age cold's a killer anyway. Education: don't know much about history, biology, a science book, the French I took. It's my party and I can say Czechoslovakia if I want to.
Couldn't be clearer, right Diary? What isn't self-serving greed is self-serving paranoid fear-mongering is self-serving know-nothing do-nothingness. It's like I'm standing on tiptoe in my Ferragamos giving the world a big middle finger. And here's the thing: with all that I'm even with Mr. Uppity in the polls. That's right, a dead heat. God I love this country. I mean the Rand Corp. just produced a big study for the DOD which argues for fighting terrorism with police work. More or less. Repudiates the whole war on terror, my reason for being. And did it get any notice at all? Nope, not a jot. It's like everybody else is doing my work for me.
From here on in I'm just gonna coast. Oh I'll keep smearing Osama all right. But since I've already called him a communist unAmerican traitor, who hates our troops and coddles terrorists and wants to date hot blondes, what the hell else can I say? Better call Karl. Right after my nap.
John Sidney McCain, III
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Nobody has a sense of humor anymore. Everyone used to crack up at my jokes. The Chelsea Clinton joke!* The gorilla joke!** But now I just get criticized for being offensive. Sheesh. I can't even threaten my senate colleagues with waterboarding without getting sour looks. It's gotten so bad I hired a guy to write me some new material. Lemme try it out on you, Diary:
So these three terrorists are reminiscing about old friends. And the first one says "You remember old Hassan? Man, what a temper. Sometimes he'd really blow up!" And the second one says "Hassan nothing. How about Abdul? Did he ever have a short fuse. One time he really flipped his lid – literally. Of course that was only after he'd been decaptitated." The third terrorist shook his head. "Hassan and Abdul were lightweights. Now Bashir, there was a guy with anger issues. The last new suit he bought? Sent him all to pieces."
Cindy was going out to buy some eyeliner the other day and I said, "hey, why spend the money when you can get the same effect for free?" So I punched her in the face.
You know the difference between a Democrat and a jellyfish? Even in Asia they wouldn't eat a Democrat.
I don't know why everyone's whining about our wars. Oh sure they've cost trillions and they've killed or maimed tens, maybe hundreds of thousands and they're destroying our economy, our military, and our standing in the world, and they've accomplished just about nothing. But have you looked at Exxon's profits lately?
And how 'bout my colleague Larry Craig? He said we gotta stop letting these Arabs jerk us around by our gas hoses. Well some of my Arab pals got a little offended by that. See, in Arabia they call it "petrol."
Craig, Foley, Cunningham. They're all Republicans, true. And they've all committed one or two little indiscretions. But they haven't lost their sense of humor. Cunningham sent me a card from jail the other day and it read "wish you were here." And Foley, he went to the airport and had the PA system start repeating "Paging Mark Foley. Paging Mark Foley."
Not so hot, huh Diary? I thought so. I'll drop my new writer. There must be someone in this town besides Dick Cheney who's good for a joke or three.
John Sidney McCain, III
*why is chelsea clinton so ugly? her father was janet reno.
**so this woman is attacked by a gorilla and beaten and raped insensible. and when she comes to she whispers to the doctor "where is that marvelous ape?"
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008
* * * * *
A NOTE TO READERS ***Update***
Another three week plus hiatus, from April 30th until May 23rd, again due to Yahoo Geocities dismal service.
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
|The Instant Poet|
|McCain's Diary: Part II|
|McCain's Diary: Part 1|
|A Real McShame|
|Right Lies, All Lies|
|McCain: Intelligence Failure|
|McCain is the Real McCoy|
|The Surge Myth|
|Bush Bests Lincoln|
|Now a Member of the Worldwide Communities of Blogs at Blogwise.com|
|VOL. IV, No. 44|