|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Monday, February 11th, 2008
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? Send a letter to the editor.|
|He was quick to pin the label on McCain, but Mitt Romney is the real American hero. He could have poured more tens of millions of his own money into a losing candidacy for the GOP nomination. He could have issued further challenges to McCain and Huckabee to be more vicious to Mexicans, more bellicose to Arabs, more generous to the very rich. He could have continued to sacrifice his five sons as offerings to the campaign Mittmobile. Instead he made the ultimate sacrifice himself and bowed out. Not to save his money or his family, but to save the nation. Had he fought on, Mitt argued, he’d have helped the Democrats win the White House. This would mean leaving Iraq and thereby losing the war of terror. Which is the same logic that leads Mike Huckabee to claim majoring in miracles and not math qualifies him to be president.
Mitt’s heroism in giving up the presidential race should not go unrecognized. There is no room for him on Mt. Rushmore, and after Bush gave Medals of Freedom to George Tenet and Paul Bremer those aren’t worth anything anymore. Instead this page proposes the only possible memorial to Mitt Romney: A golden mitten, fitted over the top of the Washington Monument, which will be known henceforth as the Washington Mittument.
Mike Huckabee is a hero. He lost one hundred pounds of body weight. He cut out the quadruple whoppers and super-sized milkshakes and over-sized fries, going on a strict diet of undressed lettuce and water to become his present svelte self. It was at about the same time he first started having visions, saw Jesus, and denounced Darwin. Such heroism cannot go unrecognized. The Huckabee Memorial will be the nation’s first kinetic monument, as well as a tribute to weight-loss, creationism, and to the simian features of the Huck himself. The Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade gets the commission to create a giant balloon of King Kong that will inflate, then deflate, every hour on the hour in perpetuity.
Of course McCain is a hero too. His heroism is defined by the bad time he had in Vietnam, and his uncritical embrace of that lengthy, bloody, and extremely futile conflict. For McCain, the last completely insane war fought by the United States was so transformative that he wants to extend the latest completely insane war for the transformation of this generation. Also the next ten generations. Hence his call to stay in Iraq for a hundred years, or until we have no young people left to send there, whichever comes first. This kind of heroic thinking earns McCain a lasting memorial as well. Fortunately there’s room on the National Mall for a ten story high body bag.
George Bush is a hero. Radio personality and former first son Ron Reagan once asked of our commander in chief, “What’s his accomplishment -- that he’s no longer a mean drunk?” Precisely. Like all heroes of self-help and substance abuse literature, George overcame his addiction, got sober, and became president of the United States. His journey through darkness to the light recalls Dante, Milton, or Homer, all authors to be found on the presidential bedside table. As the president himself avers, they’re way better than sleeping pills, and less addictive too. W.’s monument on the Mall will be a tribute to addiction. Picture an outsize syringe leaning against a fountain shaped like a giant beer mug, spritzing golden colored water to the sky. Huge dice and cards will be tastefully arranged around the perimeter, where a plaque will read, “George W. Bush: He cast the die but never played with a full deck."
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A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008
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