|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|Granite In Their Brains
Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? Send a letter to the editor.|
|The candidates for the Republican presidential nomination are in good form. John McCain is ready to follow Bin Ladin to the “gates of hell.” Since OBL lurks in the wilds of northwestern Pakistan, this shouldn’t be taken as a slur by subcontinentals; McCain, after all, hails from Arizona. He also advocates staying in Iraq another ten thousand years, which would make our occupation of that country long even by Republican standards. The septuagenarian would not be around to see us leave, unless he’s counting on cryogenisis working better for him than it did for Ted Williams. The good news for McCain: When he does eventually shuffle off sometime during the next ten millennia, it’s unlikely anyone will notice any difference, at least in his appearance.
Meanwhile Mitt “I’m gonna double the size of Guantanamo” Romney is now an advocate for change. The man who made a fortune from sweetheart deals with a potent old boy network, scion of political and industrial titan and GOP elder statesman George Romney, has recast himself as an iconoclastic outsider. Unspecific about the changes he’d actually make, this page can anticipate a few. As both a Mormon and a country club Republican, Romney would re-establish Prohibition, but only for proletarian booze. Imported beer, single malt scotch, and Napoleon brandy will be exempt. Coq au vin, a controversial Romney favorite when he was abroad on a Mormon proselytizing mission to France, will be allowed, but only if made from vintage red wine. Coffee, another prohibited item for Mormons, would continue to be sold but only by government licensed establishments. No more Starbucks, although in recognition of the heavy consumption tax Romney plans to levy, the new government coffee shops will be called “Bigbucks.” This is the centerpiece of the Romney economic plan, which also calls for further reductions in the income tax on hedge fund managers, offset by a surtax on janitorial workers.
It was good to see Representative Duncan Hunter, whose immigration policies include turning the U.S. into a fully gated community by extending a wall across the entire southern border, hanging out at Dixville Notch early this morning. He wanted to be there when the first New Hampshireites cast their ballots in that remote hamlet. They did, but not a single one voted for Huntin’ Duncan. He vows to stay in the race regardless, claiming that the seven Republican voters in Dixville Notch weren’t truly representative of the national GOP.
Rudy “a noun, a verb, and 9/11” Giuliani, after his no-show in the Iowa caucuses, remains a no-show in New Hampshire. Even though he campaigned in the Granite State and by his own admission spent more time there than anywhere else. The Giuliani campaign blew three million futile dollars on advertising in New Hampshire, and donors are asking for a refund. To avoid future similar controversies, Rudy plans to spend his remaining dollars for other states on handbags for his wife, Judith, whose current Vuitton number gets its own seat on the campaign plane. Rudy’s new commercial shows the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center, but it didn’t go down well in New Hampshire. With locals spending a thousand dollars or more each month on over-priced heating oil for their homes, the flaming waste in the Giuliani TV spot acted like a red flag.
Christian Leader Mike "To Be Or" Huckabee has made little headway in New Hampshire. At first he got lost looking for the Pakistan border, whence come all those Pakistani illegal immigrants he fulminates about. Then he had trouble dealing with locals' questions. The queries were delivered in the heavy accent peculiar to the remoter stretches of northern New England. Huckabee kept answering “amen, brother.” He thought the natives were speaking in tongues.
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A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008
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