|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Friday, December 14th, 2007
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? Send a letter to the editor.|
|Thanks to Pakistan, with the contribution of plenty of U.S. military aid, the world now has what the sub-continentals are calling an Islamic bomb. Thanks to the loose lips of Pakistan physicist A.Q. Khan, the holy nuke may spawn many others throughout the Muslim world. That’s insidious enough, not to say apocalyptic, but Pakistan’s religious weapon has set an example for other nations with truly terrifying consequences.
The Economist reports the Malaysians are working on an Islamic automobile. Made by a company called Proton, few details are available at this writing. What might make it distinctively Islamic, apart from being manufactured in a Muslim country, is also unclear. But we can surmise a few characteristics. Utterly heedless of other motorists, the Proton will not have a turn indicator. Preferring to operate in the dark, there will be no headlights. In keeping with the prevailing direction of the Islamic world, the car’s only gear is reverse. The Proton will start only if pointed in the direction of Mecca. The car’s most popular feature is likely to be the pre-wired bomb bay, with a factory-installed suicide car bomb optional.
Naturally the faithful won’t stop there. The Islamic auto will give rise to the Islamic airplane, operating, no prizes for this one, on a wing and a prayer. Instead of the conventional ground avoidance alarm, this plane has a device which homes in on tall buildings. Of course no alcoholic beverages will be served. Passengers will search the cocktail list in vain for the traditional vodka-less Virgin Mary; the Bloodless Martyr might be an acceptable substitute. Movies are forbidden, and there is no choice of meal because the airline knows perfectly well what’s good for you. Rather than the usual safety information tucked into the seat pocket in front of one, passengers will find a list of prohibitions, and the penalties for violating them. A few examples: unattended female travelers will be beaten harshly by the flight attendants. All reading matter other than the Koran will be confiscated. Passengers who carry off their eyeshades, headphones, or other airline freebies may have one or both hands cut off upon arrival.
Not all consumers will rush to buy the Islamic car or fly on the Islamic plane, but the beauty of globalization and the free market is that many substitutes will quickly become available. The Zionist car, for example, will have a battering ram to push other cars out of the way when parallel parking, and tank treads to mount and crush other cars if there’s no space available at all. The Zionist plane will have no reserved seating. Furthermore, passengers wishing to evict anyone occupying their preferred seat may always do so, at their own risk of course. Unattended women may beat anyone they choose, harshly.
Evangelicals will prefer the Car of Christ and the Celestial Plane. The former has seats upholstered in hair shirt. Instead of windshield wipers, flails will scourge the driver at the flip of a switch. On the latter, in-flight entertainment will consist only of hymn singing and piped in organ music. Instead of joining the mile high club, passengers will be encouraged to make a vow of chastity at thirty thousand feet. Unattended women will be beaten harshly by the flight attendants.
If Mitt Romney becomes president, the Mormon Car and Plane will be in vogue. The ignition will be especially turned on by wearers of magical underwear. No coffee on the plane, of course. The in-flight movie may only be viewed by those sporting magic spectacles. All safety information will be written in Egyptian hieroglyphics. As for unattended women, they’ll be married off to male passengers on the spot.
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A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2007
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