|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Thursday, June 28th, 2007
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|News item: Democrats vow to eliminate funding for the $4.4m Vice Presidential office’s budget unless the vice president agrees to submit to an executive branch directive regarding classified information. The directive would subject the vice president’s handling of secrets to external review. The vice president argues that his office is not required to follow executive branch directives. – The Hill*
Mr. Bush and his friends in the oil industry say there’s no point in raising mileage standards in automobiles. To do so might lessen demand for oil, thereby reducing the price. Lower-priced oil, they maintain, would then encourage people to drive more, thereby increasing demand, consumption, and price. This argument is based on the premise that the total number of miles driven is infinitely expandable and is directly related to the price of gas. Which is to say that if gas were free and your neighbors invited you over for dinner, you’d drive the fifty feet across the street.
The president just vetoed another bill to fund spending on stem cell research, which has the potential to cure Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, cancer, and just about everything else. Human life is sacred says Mr. Bush, and performing research on embryonic stem cells violates that principal. This argument is based on the premise that a microscopic clump of cells in a petri dish, destined to be discarded anyway, is the equivalent of human life. As an administration corollary, some life is more sacred than other life: While his defense of cells in petri dishes is resolute, UPI calculates that U.S. troops are now dying in Mr. Bush’s war in Iraq at the rate of 4.25 per day.
Meeting with Presidential Scholars, the best high school students in the land, Mr. Bush was handed a letter signed by fifty of their number. The letter was opened on the spot, the president being unaware of its contents. It begged the administration to respect the human rights of detainees in its keeping and to follow both the letter and the spirit of the Geneva Conventions. The president assured the students that the U.S. doesn’t engage in torture and respects human rights. His argument is based on the premise that interrogation methods modeled on old KGB torture techniques, which the U.S. now employs, does not in fact constitute torture. Under the administration’s definition, nothing short of the pain equivalent to organ failure is truly torture. The dozens of deaths of detainees in U.S. custody since the start of the war on terror have doubtless been from causes other than organ failure.
How is any of the foregoing possible, considering what a negligible quantity is Mr. Bush? We finally have the explanation. Vice President Cheney has declared himself an independent branch of the government. He’s not part of the executive. He’s not in the legislature or the judiciary. Instead he’s a hermaphrodite, with the powers of all and the limitations of none. This makes Mr. Cheney the sole member of the Exlegicial branch.
Though not mentioned in the constitution, the Exlegicial is without question the most powerful branch of government today. Unlike the executive, it isn’t subject to the advise and consent function of the legislative branch. Unlike the legislature, it is not liable to an executive veto. Unlike both, the legality of Exlegicial decisions cannot be over-ruled by the judiciary. Instead, just like the Vatican in the middle of central Rome, Cheney’s branch of government is an autonomous body at the heart of Washington, a sovereign power answerable only to itself.
The paralysis of congress, the compliance of the supreme court, the willful disregard for the constitution and the rule of the law by the executive branch; it’s all been a mirage of irrelevancies. It’s been all Cheney, all the time. Operating out of his various ‘secure undisclosed locations,’ from behind a wall of impenetrable secrecy, the vice presidential autocrat has been responsible for the offenses against law, reason, and humanity that beset us. Mr. Cheney is due to have his pacemaker batteries changed soon. Perhaps the doctors can swap out his whole black heart instead.
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A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2007
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