|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|Cultural Learnings of Albania
Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|At home he’s about as well-liked as Nixon in the darkest days of Watergate. In Italy tens of thousands poured into the streets of Rome to protest his visit. In Germany the resort setting for the G8 conference had to be sealed off because of infuriated protestors. Yet when Mr. Bush reached the glorious nation of Albania, adoring crowds pressed his hand, touched his hair, cheered him at every corner. Albanian Prime Minister Sali Berisha said Bush was Albania's "greatest and most distinguished guest we have ever had in all times." When an American president has to travel to Albania to get some love, his administration is really in trouble.
Bush’s closest associates are themselves under siege. Libby is going to jail; Paris Hilton is already there. Gonzalez is fighting for his job. Rove lives under the threat of congressional subpoenas. Cheney is about to have his pacemaker battery replaced. Who is to help Mr. Bush rescue his presidency, restore his popularity, and burnish his legacy? In a spirit of patriotism, and in the absence of anyone else to do the job, this page has stepped into the breach. We’ve scoured the world news for ideas useful to the president so that he may complete his term of office as splendidly as he began it.
In Egypt, scholar Izat Atiyah has issued a fatwah, a religious ruling with the force of law, declaring that if adult women breast-feed their male business associates five times, all gender issues between them will be laid permanently to rest.* For Mr. Bush, who rates especially poorly with female voters uncomfortable with his ‘leave no wealthy white male behind’ policies, the fatwah could be a lifesaver. By taking a strong stand against the new Islamic law, by declaring himself firmly against the need for American woman to breast feed any adult male not of her choosing, Mr. Bush could well reap valuable political capital. Glancing around at her male office mates, it’s difficult to envisage any woman not supporting Mr. Bush on this issue. He’d even get the League of Women Voters and the National Organization of Women on his side.
Across the river from Washington at the Pentagon comes news that military boffins considered developing a Gay bomb.** The G bomb would have made our foes turn instantly homosexual. In their sudden passion for each other, opposing armies would drop all thoughts of fighting Uncle Sam, paving the way for easy and bloodless victories for our side. Gay voters shun the Bush administration for its reflexively homophobic stances on marriage, equal rights, and discriminatory employment practices. So imagine if Mr. Bush were to order the Pentagon to develop a Straight bomb instead, whose detonation in gay communities would have the opposite effect of the G Bomb. Such a device dropped over San Francisco might well turn even that bluest of cities blood red.
And then there’s the phenomenon of Mr. Bush’s rock star treatment in Albania. Some observers wonder why this largely Islamic country is so enthusiastic about a man reviled throughout the rest of the Muslim world. The explanation is quite simple. Albanians are backward looking, nostalgic folk. They fondly recall the decades-long rule of their former tyrant, Enver Hoxha. He sealed the country’s borders so effectively, going so far as to lock the only gate into the place every night, that modernity passed Albania right by. It remained a comfortably medieval nation into the early seventies. Bush’s primitive, dark ages mentality strikes a sympathetic cord with his Albanian fans, and they see him as a man who, if given his head, might well put the world back on a medieval footing.
There’s a valuable lesson in this for the president. His support for immigration reform has aroused the fiercest opposition from his former allies on the right wing fringe. Were he to follow Enver Hoxha’s example, seal off the U.S. from the rest of the world, and prevent any further immigration of any kind, Mr. Bush would become a hero to the Minutemen, the Klan, Lou Dobbs, and all like-minded citizens.
Restoring the presidency of George W. Bush, as we have seen, is entirely possible with the right advice. And though these ideas may appear far-fetched, they are not remotely as bizarre as the administration’s actual policies of the last six years.
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A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2007
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