|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|Cheney's Book Club
Monday, June 4th, 2007
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|News Item: U.S. interrogation methods employed in the “global war on terror,” such as water-boarding, stress positions, and sleep deprivation, were copied from Soviet cold war torture techniques. Furthermore, just as the Bush administration maintains the Geneva Conventions don’t apply to “unlawful enemy combatants,” the Soviets labeled their victims “war crimes suspects,” and claimed international law didn’t protect them. In 1956, DOD consultants concluded that the brutal Soviet techniques were ineffective and “routinely produced false confessions.”* – New York Times.
Vice President Cheney was brooding in his office, studying his well worn copy of the KGB Field Interrogation Manual. His permanently furrowed brow grew more furrowed still when he heard the knock at the door.
“Come” he growled. His chief of staff David Addington walked in, accompanied by national security advisor John Hannah. Both looked apprehensive: they knew their boss in his present mood, and somebody, perhaps one of them, was going to suffer.
“Been thinking” Cheney said. “Enhanced interrogation was a damn good idea. But it’s just one idea. The Soviets had a lot to teach us if we’d bothered to listen. So for that matter did the Germans and the Chinese. That’s why I assigned you your reading. You do it all?”
“Yessir Mr. Vice President” Addington and Hannah chorused. “Mein Kampf, Collected Works of Stalin, and Thoughts of Chairman Mao. We read every word.”
Cheney grunted “So? What’d you come up with? Idea-wise, that is. For the next stage in the Global War on Terror.”
Addington looked at Hannah, who looked at the ground. As the senior man, Addington had to go first. He cleared his throat nervously.
“Well sir, Stalin established a network of prison camps in the remotest arctic and desert regions of the USSR. The Gulags they were called. My thinking is, why don’t we do something similar here? We’ve got deserts and arctic regions under U.S. control. We could build Gulags as well. Then we round up our most dangerous political foes, send them to the camps, and throw away the keys.”
Hannah chimed in. “And sir, Hitler had a way of segregating his foes from the general population with arm bands that I’m thinking we could use too. Say, pink donkey arm bands for male Democrats, and blue ones for females. He also had a special force to identify his foes, to track them down and bring them to justice. We could establish a similar force, say out of the department of Homeland Security. Why, in black on black uniforms, with silver lightning bolts on their collars and little skull buttons, they’d look mighty sharp.”
“We could also do like Mao did” Addington offered, “and send all the writers and university professors and such into the fields to do manual labor. What with the boom in the Midwestern corn business, now’s a good time for a program like that. Plus that would solve our manual labor shortage. We could get rid of all our illegal aliens and placate the base all at the same time.”
“Very good” Cheney said. “Get right on it. All of it. Anything else?”
Hannah and Addington, simpering with relief, smiled at each other. Addington thought it the appropriate moment to use Cheney’s favorite nickname.
“Well Mr. Vice, we did feel that maybe the old Star Spangled Banner is getting a little shopworn. So we wrote a new national anthem, set to that tune of Haydn’s, God Save the Emperor, that the Germans use for theirs. It goes like this:
Republicans, Republicans, over everyone.
Our enemies without mercy we will crush.
Die, you terrorists,
Run, you Democrats,
Now is the time for real Republican fun.”
* * * * *
A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, nearly eight weeks. The reason: tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period. At one point, they even managed to lose all the files. In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming. No one seemed able to fix the problem. Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March. A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called. He had my letter before him. Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day. That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.
The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2007
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