The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
Of course, Mr. Bush’s joke writers supplied many other gags which didn’t make it into the presidential routine. Those discarded presidential funnies were leaked to this page by a frustrated White House scribe, who simply couldn’t understand why Karl Rove wouldn’t let the president use them. Mr. Bush himself thought the following material was hilarious:
People talk about my place in presidential history. Well, all I can say is, I’m a greater president than J.F.K. ever was. I stole two elections to his one. Plus, I lived through my entire first term.
There’s been a lot of speculation about how my two Supreme Court picks are going to vote on abortion rights cases. Both Alito and Roberts pretty much ducked the issue at their confirmation hearings, and it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to speak for them now. But I will say this: once confirmed, both justices put their life savings into kitchen furniture companies.
Got a text message from old Osama bin Ladin the other day. It read “tired of game. E ther switch to scrabble or it’s yr turn to be ‘it’.
They’re already picking my successor even though I don’t leave the White House until ’08. I really believe this is Hillary’s moment. See, voters are kind of like picky daters. They’ll have had eight years of the smart one by the time I’m done. Their next choice will be a cute one, just for the sake of change.
Polygamy’s been in the news lately. HBO has a new show about it. The New York Times ran an Op Ed advocating for it. I was talking it over with Condi and Laura and Karen Hughes the other day and they were like “you mean it’s not legal!?”
Did you hear the one about the returning Iraq war vet whose wife’s first words were “what’d you go and lose your leg for?” And the vet replied “Nothing.”
Speaking of Iraq, my good friend Don Rumsfeld is getting on in years, and his hearing just isn’t what it used to be. We were on the golf course and it started pouring. I told him “Let’s sit outta da rain” and he thought I said “Let’s git Saddam Hussein.” Funny thing is, he went and did it, too.
My old pal Kenny-boy Lay’s in a heap of trouble. Seems his company, Enron, defrauded investors and employees out of hundreds of millions with phony contracts and made-up subsidiaries and worthless pension plans. Thing is, I told him a long time ago to stick to government work. Like Cheney’s company, Halliburton. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but when a government contractor defrauds the government, he doesn’t go to jail. He just gets a bigger contract.
So I was in India being dined by the Indian government, and they asked me what I wanted for my main course. Well, nobody told me cows were sacred in India, so naturally I said “steak.” There was an awkward moment, I can tell you, but a little while later they put a sizzling steak on my plate and the prime minister leaned over and said “the finest Buffalo.” And I said shucks, I didn’t know they raised cattle in upstate New York!
Now that steak did taste kind of funny, but I told the Indians it was delicious. See, when you’re president you can’t always tell the truth, or somebody might get hurt. Like when I told the country that we had to go to war in Iraq on account of WMD. Well, I knew the Iraqis didn’t have WMD, but I couldn’t say so; they’re a proud people, and their feelings might have got hurt.
I can’t understand what the fuss is about my tax cuts. Some are complaining the cuts only benefit the rich. And that doesn’t make any sense at all, because since when do the rich pay taxes!?
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
