|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? email@example.com|
|A source close to President George W. Bush has leaked the following hand-written White House document. Our source refused to say what the document is intended for, but on the eve of Mr. Bush's trip to India, where the president will be expected to address his hosts with a thoughtful speech, its purpose seems obvious. The documentís authenticity is unimpeachable; both the handwriting and the signature belong without a doubt to the president. Itís entitled simply Noodly Speech, Final Draft:
ďThank you, thank you. Iím very happy to be here in Noodly, the great capital of this great nation of India. I always thought noodles were more Chinese than Indian, but since your capital city is named for them, I must have been wrong. Thatís whatís great about being president: you get to learn new stuff all the time. Iím told that your country is actually a sub continent, not just a country, and while Iím here I hope to sample some of your delicious subs for myself. My favorite is barbecue beef, a Texas specialty, but there are local versions just about all over the place. I look forward to tasting Indian barbecue beef real soon. Judging by the pictures of your cows that Iíve seen back home, it ought to be real lean and tasty. Not much fat on your cattle, I reckon!
I mention Texas because thatís where Iím from. Itís my heritage, a proud place with a lot of history to it. Just like your great sub continent or nation. Fact is, Texas and India have a lot of things in common. Democracy, for example. We got Texas all rigged up to ensure a healthy Republican majority in every election, about as close to one party rule as you can get away with. Kind of like the way your Congress Party used to have things set up here. Yep, democracy is a common link between our two great nations. Sure we owe a common debt to the Great British, but both your sub continent or nation and mine long ago went way beyond them. You all have the largest democracy in the world. We all have the most powerful democracy in the world. Notice the common denominator: democracy. If yíall would just accept Jesus, weíd be almost indistinguishable.
Our two great nations sure do have lots in common. Iíve been reading up on it. Take literacy: about 40% of your citizens canít read and write worth a darn. Now thatís something I can really identify with. Some folks reckon Iím not more than 40% literate myself, and whoím I to argue with them? About 14% of your population has no access to clean water. Thatís just like Washington, D.C., where I have to hang out from time to time. Now, your birth rate is about twice ours, but our death rates are about the same, which tells you something about health care in the good old USA. And thatís even though we spend more than twice what you do on health. Go figure. We both spend pretty small percentages of our GDP on education, but at least you spend yours wisely.* Those who get an education here seem like they actually learn something useful. Thatís how youíre stealing all our software jobs. As for usÖ well, look at me. A product of our finest schools, and I donít know nothing Ďbout anything.
But the strongest bond between our two nations is the obvious one: Indians. You have a whole lot of them, a billion or more. We donít have quite so many, but we still got a few. And like you, theyíre doing pretty well. They got casinos now, earning real money. Indians seem to take to that kind of thing naturally. And thatís my suggestion to yíall. Now see, this nucular thing you have going on, itís kind of got us worried. See, if some of your Islamist radical elements were to get their hands on your nukes, or your Maoist guerillas, well, that would be bad. Real bad.
So hereís the deal. Like our Indians, yíall should get into the casino business, and out of nucular. Thereís more money in it, and a lot less grief. Plus, we can set you up, get you started, get the ball rolling. I got a pal whoís a big expert in Indian casinos, and he needs a new job, one thatís out of the country, pronto. Yep, Jack Abramoff is your guy, and I have his direct line.Ē
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
*The Economist Pocket World in Figures 2006
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