The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Moaning Minnies
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?  editor@nossiter.net
The moaning minnies are at it again.  The Bush administration proposes to hand to the United Arab Emirates the management of our largest ports, and howls of protest are heard throughout the land.  But the critics fail to grasp the president’s grand design.  Is it likely the UAE would countenance blowing up facilities under their own management? In fact, the UAE ports deal is the latest and most brilliant tactic in the administration’s war on terror.  Today the ports, tomorrow the airports, office buildings, schools, highways, and railroads.  Placed under the management of potentially hostile foreign entities, the safety of all these facilities will be permanently assured.  A moment’s reflection reveals the genius of Bush’s plan:  would Al Qaeda have attacked the World Trade Center and the Pentagon had they first contracted to manage them?

Meanwhile, the vice president was subjected to a storm of criticism for shooting  a prominent Texas Republican lawyer.  Cheney added fuel to the flames by not coming clean about the accident for days.  His critics call him reckless, negligent, secretive, criminal, possibly drunk.  In fact, the accident reveals the vice president to be every bit the visionary his boss is.  Also an unexpectedly literary man:  insiders say he’s been soaking up Shakespeare with the same enthusiasm that earned him two DUIs in the past, soaking up other things.  In Henry VI
Part II, iv. 2, the rebel Jack Cade outlines his program once he assumes the English throne:

Cade. I thank you, good people: there shall be no money; all shall eat and drink on my score; and I will apparel them all in one livery, that they may agree like brothers, and worship me their lord.

Those inspirational words are answered enthusiastically by his crony, and note the name carefully, Dick the butcher:

Dick. The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.

Armed with this reference, it’s easy to reconstruct the accident.  Cheney, far from being negligent or reckless, was lost in a literary reverie.  Entranced by the words of his namesake in Shakespeare’s play, his mind on the future state of the union along Cade’s lines, he saw not his hunting buddy, but a lawyer.  And so he shot him.  That his victim later apologized for all the trouble he’d caused the vice president confirms the blamelessness of Cheney’s action.

The vice president’s mishap furthermore offers a unique insight into the administration’s plans for the remainder of its term.  Jack Cade, for Cheney clearly a proxy for George W. Bush, further declares:

Cade. Be brave, then; for your captain is brave, and vows reformation. There shall be in England seven halfpenny loaves sold for a penny; the three-hooped pot shall have ten hoops; and I will make it felony to drink small beer.

There you have it.  While the moaning minnies whine about campaign finance laws and the buying of political representatives by greedy corporations, the administration’s reforms, motivated by the president’s baseball past and inspired by the words of the bard, will consist of bigger servings of stronger beer, and plenty of cheap bread.  Throw in a few hotdogs, and those are reforms we can all embrace.

Cheney’s hunting accident, and Bush’s surrendering of our ports to the UAE, give the lie to the accusation that they and their fellow neocons are “chicken hawks,” freely waging war with other citizens’ lives, never having seen combat themselves.  Cheney demonstrated to all the world that he never consorts with chickens and hawks, only quail.  And the president, by bravely folding our potential assailants under the warm wing of commerce, proves for once and all that he is neither hawk nor chicken, but one hundred percent turkey.


©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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