|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|In the New York Times last week, one of President Bush’s top economic advisors advised that “Health care is expensive because the vast majority of Americans consume it as if it were free.”* His argument: for health care to be affordable, Americans must stop wantonly getting sick. Tired of big medical bills? Never go to the doctor, cease taking your meds, and stay healthy. Economic advisor Allan B. Hubbard’s prescription is good – even economists agree that when demand falls, the price drops – and good for you.
Sophisticated analysis of pressing problems is what makes our country great. But Mr. Hubbard cannot claim sole credit for his insight. The approach he employs is standard operating procedure for the Bush administration, and the main reason why we are where we are today. It was developed by the Director of the White House Administration for Terminal Strategic Historical Insight and Tactics, Professor Wight Ringkrak Pot.
Granted a rare interview with the reclusive Professor Pot, this page was issued a special pass to penetrate the labyrinthine stacks of the Library of Congress. The professor’s office is located deep in the heart of the 350s section of the Dewey Decimal Classification, somewhere between Public Administration and Military Science. For security reasons, we are not permitted to be more specific. Professor Pot is a tall, slightly stooped man, whose features reflect his Inuit-Cambodian-American heritage.
TNN: Good of you to speak with us Professor Pot, and what a remarkable office. How did you come to be quartered here?
WRP: I requisitioned it. This is the largest library in the history of the world, and my work demands that I be at its heart. When your conclusions require as much support as mine do, you simply cannot have too many good books at hand.
TNN: What specifically is your office, the White House Administration for Terminal Strategic Historical Insight and Tactics, tasked to do?
WRP: The White House Administration for Terminal Strategic Historical Insight and Tactics, or “The” for short, provides the intellectual architecture for all administration policies, the overarching underpinning of every administration intervention, subvention, invention, and detention. Hence our name. Our goal is to provide the Bush administration with the flexibility to be flexible, the firmness to be firm, and the thoroughness to be thorough, all the while ensuring the fundamental rightness of it all.
TNN: Perhaps you could elaborate…
WRP: Of course. By “rightness” I mean of course the essential truth of the right, or right wing, point of view. For example, take homelessness. The left, or liberal approach, involves building housing, providing medical and psychological support, creating jobs, etc. Here at “The”, we take the right approach, which is simpler, and infinitely more effective. Homelessness is caused by irresponsible people who lack homes. Force the homeless to be responsible, and they will house themselves.
TNN: But –
WRP: Or take crime. The left would waste time looking at income inequality, inadequate educational and employment opportunities, the whole panoply of social and economic pathologies that, they claim, contributes to criminality. At “The” we say simply that crime results from inconsiderate people who commit crimes. Force the criminal to be considerate of others, and the crime problem solves itself.
TNN: But –
WRP: Of course, one area where both the left and the right are in agreement is the lack of leadership that sometimes afflicts this country. For every Washington, Lincoln, and Roosevelt, we have had too many Polks, Garfields, and Fillmores. The problem is that incompetent voters will often elect incompetent leaders. The left solution would make a show of educating voters, training them to become competent. At “The” we propose a far more economical and effective solution: take the vote away from incompetent voters. On what grounds, you ask? In order to cast a ballot, every voter would be required to pass a simple but revealing test.
TNN: But –
WRP: Of course we are still refining it, but the test would be something like this:
President Bush is to President Lincoln as:
a) Vlad the Impaler is to King Alfred the Wise
b) Caligula is to King Louis the Just
c) Genghis Khan is to Mahatma Ghandi
d) None of the above
TNN: The correct answer being?
WRP: Need you ask? ‘D’ of course. You’d better start studying. There are elections in November, you know.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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