The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Morning Mendacity
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
The Oval Office normally enjoys a restful hush, but not today.  Thousands are demonstrating across the street in Lafayette Park.  The clamor of many competing demonstrations is such that Mr. Bush and his closest advisors, gathered together to discuss Supreme Court Justice O’Connor’s replacement, have to raise their voices to make themselves heard.

“What in tarnation is all that ruckus about?” asked the President, shaking his head.

“Your Supreme Court appointment, sir.  The Secret Service informs me that there are at least five different demonstrations going on at once;  four organized by anti-abortion, pro-family, and religious groups, one by pro-abortion and anti-religion-in-government groups.”  As usual, Karl Rove was on top of the situation.

“Four to one, is that right?  Well that just shows that the right-thinking folk outnumber the wrong-headed doo-doos every time.”

“Up to a point, Mr. President.  The Park Police were instructed to grant fewer permits to the pro-abortion, anti-religion-in-government groups.  We thought it would look better on TV that way,” Chief of Staff Andrew Card explained.

“Good thinking, Andy.  Ok now boys, whaddya have for me?  I’m telling you we got to fill that seat right quick, and I know just the man for the job.  Alberto Gonzales.  We can always find another Attorney General, but Bert’s the man for the Supreme Court, no question.  Loyal, smart, and right-thinking. Am I right, or am I wrong?  Case closed.”

“Up to a point, Mr. President.  Bert Gonzales is a good man, none better, but significant elements of your base have a problem with him.  Frankly, his anti-abortion credentials are regarded as too shaky for comfort.  Focus on the Family and Family Research Council have already said he’s unacceptable;  so did Grover Norquist.  His appointment could lead to trouble.”  Vice-President Cheney’s soothing drone did nothing to lessen the President’s dismay.

“Tarnation!  I will not be held hostage by the looney rightist fringe, er, I mean my base.  I want Bert, and I’m gonna get him.  Let those right-wing nuts howl, I don’t care.  They can’ do me any harm, now can they?”

“Up to a point, Sir” said Presidential Counselor Karen Hughes.  “If the extreme hard right fringe were to become truly hostile, it would make your vision, your program, impossible to implement.  And with mid-term elections coming up next year…”

“Ok, ok.  But Bert’s going to be plenty disappointed.  So who in creation are we gonna appoint to the vacant seat?”

Vice-President Cheney took off his glasses and polished them thoughtfully.  “We promised during the campaign to appoint Supreme Court Justices in the mold of Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, reliable and right-thinking men of faith and moral integrity.  It is true that Thomas has a taste for, ahem, adult entertainment.  Also he never says anything and doesn’t write opinions hardly ever. But those are quibbles.  And Scalia, well, that little matter of going duck hunting with me while my case was before the court seems to have blown over completely.  They’ve already been voted on, so there’d be no need for a painful confirmation battle.  And the base would be entirely satisfied.

“Whaddya talking about, Dick?  They’re already on the Court.  Can’t appoint folks to a position they already hold, now can I?”  The President shook his head, and the thought crossed his mind that his Vice-President was working too hard.

“I’m talking about appointing not Scalia and Thomas themselves, Mr. President.  But how about if we clone them?”

“Cloning?  Ain’t I against that?”

“Up to a point, Mr. President” replied Mr. Cheney.  “You remember what we had to do after I had my last heart attack…”

“Why, that’s right! Shucks, can’t hardly tell the difference even when you bring it up, not at all.  Ok, Scalia and Thomas clones it is – we’ll keep one in reserve for when Rehnquist finally gits.  Gotta make it up to Bert Gonzales though.  I know!  Can’t we make him the next Pope?”

“Up to a point, Mr. President” his advisors chorused wearily.

©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
Last Words
Faking the Real
A Grand Design
The Second Coming
A Real (Cinderella) Man
Not a Pretty Portrait
Fly the Friendly Skies
Keeping the Faith
West is East, Up is Down
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