|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|The Morning Mendacity
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|In his weekly Presidential radio address*, Mr. Bush laid out our reason for being in Iraq: “Some may disagree with my decision to remove Saddam Hussein from power, but all of us can agree that the world's terrorists have now made Iraq a central front in the war on terror… Our troops are fighting these terrorists in Iraq so you will not have to face them here at home.”
So there you have the logic behind our invasion and occupation of Iraq. The whole 200 billion dollar enterprise, with its nearly 15,000 U.S. dead and wounded, along with tens of thousands of Iraqi casualties, is a giant holiday camp for terrorists. By starting a war in Mesopotamia, we’ve made the place irresistible for them. Right-thinking suicide bombers and mass murderers of civilians no longer crave the fleshpots of Manhattan, preferring instead the excitements of Tikrit and Baghdad. By introducing violent anarchy throughout the country, and reducing vast swathes of cityscape to rubble, we have created the perfect environment for serious terrorists, a place they can feel truly at home. Our troops, well-trained and heavily armed, keep the terrorists happily occupied at all times. We provide them with check-points to blow up, supply convoys to attack, civilian military contractors to kidnap. The entertainment is non-stop, the conditions as close to paradise as a jihadist can get before taking his final leap of faith. Mr. Bush has designed the ultimate Club Dead for terrorists, and they simply can’t keep away.
This brilliant strategy has many applications outside the war on terror. Take any societal ill, design an environment where it can flourish unchecked, isolate that environment, and voila! Your scourge is successfully contained, to the discomfort of a few, perhaps, but for the greater good of most.
Take drugs. For decades we’ve spent billions fighting the war on drugs, a vast expenditure of resources with no resulting benefits. Applying the Bush model, the solution seems self-evident. Build a wall around downtown Detroit, and evacuate the few non-addicts who still live there. Provide free transportation, along with a lifetime supply of cocaine, heroine, or the substance of choice for anyone prepared to relocate there. In a short time, and at relatively low cost, the drug problem in the general population will surely disappear. Conditions in Detroit are likely to be difficult, but the new residents probably won’t even notice.
Or the obesity epidemic. The fattening of the nation is blamed for increases in the incidence of heart disease, diabetes, and cancers of various kinds. It’s thought to result from a combination of bad diet, overeating, and lack of exercise. What to do about it? Using the President’s model, we move all fast food joints to one location; an under-populated state like South Dakota would do. Then we take out all the gyms and parks, turn all staircases into elevators and escalators, give everyone a free Segway, and outlaw bicycles, sneakers, and jump ropes. Within a year or two, the nation’s obese will all gravitate towards this fat-friendly environment, just as all the world’s terrorists have moved to Iraq. As the hefty proceed to over-eat and under-exercise themselves to death, the obesity epidemic will, in time, solve itself.
Identify, cultivate, isolate: it’s the panacea for the Twenty-First Century. Mr. Bush’s bold invention is adaptable to any problem, foolproof in execution, and guaranteed successful. The evidence? Just look at how well it’s working in Iraq.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
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