The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Morning Mendacity
Friday, March 18th, 2005
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
President Bush has appointed Undersecretary of State John R. Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations.  Mr. Bolton, a staunch presidential ally and outspoken neo-conservative, believes that “there’s no such thing as the United Nations” and “if [the U.N. building] lost 10 stories, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.”*  For the record, the U.N. Secretariat building is thirty-nine stories tall.  Critics are decrying Mr. Bolton’s appointment on the grounds that if his ideas are implemented, nearly seventy-five percent of the U.N. would remain in place.

Mr. Bush has also nominated Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz to become the next head of the World Bank.  Since the U.S. nominee invariably gets the job, Mr. Wolfowitz is looking forward to his promotion.  He has pledged to apply the same skills to running the World Bank he employed in designing the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq.  A reformist and man of both ideas and action, Mr. Wolfowitz is thought to have in mind a Fallujah strategy for lending to less developed countries.   Instead of throwing money at the intractably poor, Mr. Wolfowitz maintains, in the long term it is far more cost effective to simply annihilate them.

Other Bush appointments soon to be announced:

U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary Alphonso Jackson is being replaced by Mr. John Doe.  Mr. Doe, the unidentified and still-at-large serial arsonist operating in the District of Columbia, is responsible for forty-four fires in homes throughout the region since 2003.  The reward of $35,000 for Mr. Doe’s apprehension, soon to be raised to $100,000, will be deducted from his first year salary as HUD Secretary.  The savings Mr. Doe will realize for the government by burning down public housing instead of building new projects amply justifies his appointment, according to White House officials.  DNA evidence has been collected from several different arson sites, and it is hoped that Mr. Doe will be apprehended and sworn into office soon.  Readers with information about Mr. Doe’s whereabouts are urged to call 301-77-ARSON.**

President Bush has appointed an old family friend as the new Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission: Kenneth L. Lay, Enron's former Chairman and Chief Executive Officer.  Mr. Lay replaces William Donaldson, who coincidentally has charged Mr. Lay with fraud and insider trading.  The SEC complaint states in part that Mr. Lay “...engaged in a multi-faceted scheme to defraud… also made millions of dollars in illicit gains, and was unjustly enriched when he secretly dumped massive amounts of his own Enron stock.”***   Announcing the appointment in the White House Rose Garden, the president said Mr. Lay was the ideal candidate to run the SEC.  His appointment will spare the government the cost of a lengthy and complex investigation and prosecution. Mr. Lay is thought highly unlikely to prosecute himself.  Furthermore, as the president averred, it makes sense to “set a thief to thieve a catch, er, catch a set to thieve a thief, ah, it takes a varmint to know a varmint.”

Pop star Michael Jackson has been named Under Secretary of Health and Human Services for Minors. Mr. Jackson, said by the White House to have extensive experience in children’s affairs, will assume his duties pending the outcome of his current legal proceeding.  Mr. Jackson's broad goals include the building of a nationwide network of government-run orphanages designed on the model of his Santa Barbara estate, Neverland, complete with rides, zoos, and flower clocks.  Mr. Jackson is expected to bring glamour and excitement to the hitherto staid government department.  Asked why he was accepting the post, Mr. Jackson replied that he loves children very much.  Besides, the singer added, “I need a job.”


©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
Last Words
Privatize This
A Fishlike Smell
Calling a Spade a Shovel
Cast Not the First Stoned
Heroes Both
A Rose By Any Other Name
House Inappropriations
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