|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|The Morning Mendacity
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|I am a little worried. You should be too. Karen Hughes, “counselor to the president, wife and mother, the woman who left the White House to put family first” as the jacket of her book, Ten Minutes to Normal, describes her, is putting her family second and moving back to the White House. Ms. Hughes, ostensibly called into service to orchestrate support for the president’s unpopular foreign policy, is sacrificing herself for the greater good. Plunging selflessly back into the rough and tumble of ramming unwanted U.S. initiatives down the throats of disbelieving foreign governments, Ms. Hughes leaves behind in Texas a husband, teenage son, cat, and dog. Her return to duty raises several important questions.
What is to become of her “exuberant, rambunctious” golden retriever, Breeze, who has a habit of getting into the cat litter? Breeze, by Ms. Hughes' own admission, has a “strained relationship” with her husband. Thus far their difficult relations have been mediated by Ms. Hughes herself. Once she is gone, will the strain prove too much for the Hughes household? Will Breeze venture into the litter box once too often, provoking the anger of husband Jerry? This is Texas, after all, where the solution to many problems is to take them out behind the barn and shoot them. Tragedy, it seems to me, impends.
Then there is the orange and white cat, Griffey, a pet with a single, though grievous, flaw: “the terrible habit of getting sick only on the carpet.” Clearly Griffey is not a well cat. Already stressed from his dealings with the dog, Breeze, will husband Jerry provide the tender care this troubled feline requires? Who, in Karen’s absence, will clean the cat-sick from the immaculate Hughes residence carpeting?
It will not be the Hughes’ son, Robert. Robert washed his hands of the care of his step-sister Leigh’s cocker spaniel, Fritzi. Fritzi, who in Ms. Hughes’ word is “ditzy”, was left in the sole custody of husband Jerry when Leigh left home. This “sweet but kind of stupid” canine, with whom Ms. Hughes could never “bond”, is doubtless the cause of Jerry’s disillusionment with petdom. Having shown his true negligent colors in the case of the ditzy Fritzi, son Robert will be of absolutely no help in caring for the spritzy Griffey. He’s unlikely to be of any use in looking after the brash Breeze. Indeed, Robert is good for nothing, too tired even to talk to his mother at the end of a school day. In her absence, it strains belief that he will be moved to utter a single word, ever, to his father. The Hughes household without Karen is likely to be an utter disaster. You can read all about it in the excerpted introduction to Ten Minutes to Normal at Amazon.com.*
And then there is the White House. As though husband Jerry didn’t have enough to put up with in ditzy Fritzi, spritzy Griffey, brash Breeze, and reticent Robert, Jerry must also deal with the frequent emotive eruptions of concupiscent Karen herself. By her own admission, she demands that Jerry declare his love thrice daily. When a woman who’s five foot ten and a half inches tall and wears size twelve shoes demands something, anything, she usually gets it. How will Condoleeza Rice, who publicly referred to her boss as “my husband”, react if Ms. Hughes makes similar demands of the president? And what about Laura? She’s put up with would-be wifie Condi for all these years; it seems a lot to ask that she should now be saddled with clamorous Karen as well. “I know how he takes his coffee” Ms. Hughes ominously declares of the president in her book.
I see trouble ahead, and I am worried. So too should you be. Join me in urging Karen Hughes to put her family first again. Write to her, care of www.whitehouse.gov. Her country needs her, but ditzy Fritzi, spritzy Griffey, brash Breeze, reticent Robert, and Jerry, especially poor old Jerry, need her more.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
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