The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
The FCC cannot hold back the tide alone, despite the efforts of its outgoing Chairman, Michael Powell. That’s why Congress has formed the House Inappropriations Committee, HIC. Its mission: to investigate, expose, and root out all inappropriate matter put before the public. This page spoke with The Hon. Humbert Bug III, (R) MO, HIC Chairman, in his basement office. The walls are lined with videocassette tapes, DVDs, CDs, books, magazines, and newspapers. Representative Bug’s desk is piled high with more of the same.
“Mr. Bug, to what do you attribute this rise in indecent material?”
“My friends call me ‘Hum’, little lady. Well, it’s like this. Society has lost its moral compass. All that permissiveness introduced into the schools and the media in the sixties has come back to haunt us in the twenty-first century. Standards have fallen. Licentiousness, lasciviousness, and lewdness are on the rise. An “anything goes” attitude prevails. Here’s an example, just come in this morning.”
Mr. Bug grabbed a DVD and played a scene from that popular small children’s television show, in which elaborate sock puppets sing songs and perform skits, all with an educational bent. We watched in silence as three of the puppets argued about which was the best letter of the alphabet, illustrating their preferences with words and objects. It seemed unobjectionable to your reporter, but Mr. Bug shook his head.
“You notice something about those puppets? Nekkid, every one of them. No clothes at all, just some kind of colored fur. Well, the green one wore a collar, of sorts. But from the neck down, not a stitch of clothing. Now, what kind of a message does that send to our young people? Because keep in mind that our job here, little lady, is to protect young folk. We can’t allow innocent young minds to be corrupted. That sure is a nice scent you’re wearing, by the by.”
“Ah, thank you, Mr. Bug. Er, Hum.”
Bug leaned across the desk and grabbed your reporter’s knee, for emphasis.
“The public fully supports our efforts. Why, the University of Connecticut did a survey of high school students for the Knight Foundation, and found that almost half of them thought the press should get government approval before running a story, and that the internet should be censored! Young people surely know what’s good for ‘em.” **
The HIC Chairman’s hand had been creeping up your reporter’s leg. She jabbed it sharply with her pen. Bug massaged his injured extremity, wincing.
“Sorry, little lady. I get carried away talkin’ about this subject. Now, you remember what happened in the 2004 Superbowl half-time show, when hundreds of millions of viewers were exposed to a nekkid breast? That surely is a nice top you’re wearing. I like the way it kind of clings up there.”
Your reporter raised her pen meaningly, and Bug quickly put his hands in his pockets.
“Anyhow, the Janet Jackson incident might have been a year ago, but we cannot allow our vigilance to slacken, not the least little bit, not for one instant! Recall that Woody Allen film, in which a giant breast devastates the countryside, crushing buildings and squirting milk and all?”
Mr. Bug paused impressively.
“Well, as that film correctly noted, those things usually travel in pairs.”
*http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A9272-2005Feb8.html
**http://firstamendment.jideas.org/downloads/future_final.pdf.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
