The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Morning Mendacity
Sunday, January 16th, 2005
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
Long after it was obvious that Iraq had no stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, and four months after the U.S. government confirmed that fact with the publication of the Duelfer Report, the Bush administration has called off the search for WMD in Iraq.  The Iraq Survey Group, charged with finding WMD, is being sent home.   According to the Washington Post, there is no new information worth pursuing.  Besides, it’s dangerous out there.

The Bush administration, heartened by the absence of  popular outcry over the lives and money wasted on the futile search for WMD, is quietly writing-off  various other lost causes as well.  The administration is taking the opportunity to pull the plug on all the projects and policies it dislikes.  Furthermore, demonstrating the foresightedness and advance planning so lacking in his predecessor, Mr. Bush has earmarked the billions of dollars of savings that will be realized for a government trust fund to finance the legal defenses of administration officials certain to be sued when they leave office.

Among the other write-offs:

The war on poverty.  Bush administration officials have declared peace with honor in this ancient conflict.  An administration official who requested anonymity declared that the following formula for peace was arrived at in unilateral negotiations:  the rich will get richer, and the poor, poorer.  Not by coincidence, the peace settlement dovetails perfectly with existing administration economic policy.  The administration has further demanded that the poor pay reparations to the rich until such time as they are no longer poor, or in perpetuity, whichever comes first.  A war crimes tribunal has been established in Orlando, Fla. to prosecute those guilty of atrocities in the conflict.  The defendants, all poor, will be tried for such breaches as buying store brands and generic drugs, failing to buy new cars, wearing polyester clothing, and sporting bad haircuts.

Universal free public education.  The administration has determined that public education has degraded to the point where losses must be cut and resources redirected. Under the plan, No Child Behinds Left, all public schools whose parents wish to form a cooperative and buy their institution from the government may do so at discount prices, teachers not included.  Public funding of education will cease immediately.  The Department of Education will reallocate what remains of its budget to pay Robert Novak, William Kristol, and Norman Podhoretz to boost the plan.  Corporate sponsors may take over schools for free;  McDonald’s Inc. has already signed a statement of intent to convert two hundred urban public schools into Hamburger University extension campuses.

Public transportation.  The Department of Transportation has announced that all federal funds for public transport are to be cut immediately, and that the Department will abolish itself.  Henceforth all citizens who chose not to drive may walk, or stay at home.  Norman Mineta, the last Secretary of Transportation, points out that the plan will curb the obesity epidemic by encouraging healthful pedestrianism.  Mr. Mineta also maintains that by forcing non-walking, non-drivers to stay home, such as the elderly or small children, the rate of pedestrian traffic accidents is sure to fall.  Furthermore, as bus systems disappear, the home schooling movement will get a significant boost, helping to fill any void created by the abolition of universal free public education (see above).

The First Amendment.  At a White House press conference, President Bush declared the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States null and void. The First Amendment, which forbids the passage of laws that restrict freedom of religion, of speech, of assembly, and of the press, no longer has any application, says Mr. Bush.  The President was once asked if he consulted his father on policy matters and replied that he consults a higher father. Thought to be influenced by the Oliver Stone film of Alexander the Great, Mr. Bush has gone a step further and declared that He is in fact the Son of God.  As a godhead himself, Mr. Bush insists, He will look after our First Amendment rights for us.  “Trust Me” Mr. Bush said during the announcement, “because your freedom is as safe as money in the bank.  And for why?  Read any dollar bill.  It says so right on ‘em:  In God We Trust.”  There were no questions.

©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
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