The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Morning Mendacity
Monday, January 31st, 2005
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
Election day in Iraq.  Foreign election monitors, according to Reuters, stayed away for fear of kidnapping or assassination, so turnout was impossible to verify and fairness impossible to judge.  As of this writing, thirty-five people were killed and hundreds injured in attacks on voters.   Polling stations in Sunni areas, the AP reports, were largely empty, suggesting that Sunni voters were staying home in droves, as predicted.  Writes Bob Herbert in the New York Times, most voters didn’t know who, or what, they were voting for.  These facts notwithstanding, President Bush declared the elections a “resounding success.”  Mr. Bush’s assessment inaugurates a new era in real-time historical revisionism, in which events are described not as they are, but as the President wishes them to be, while they are taking place.

Responsibility for maintaining the stream of timely and uninterrupted good news about the President and his programs has been handed to a new White House agency, the Presidential Office of Truth, Unanimity, Success, Bellicosity, and Sanguiness, otherwise known as POTUSBS.  The POTUSBS is headed by Mr. Bjorn L. Iar, formerly Director of the Tobacco, Petroleum, and Toxic Waste Institute, a lobbying group devoted to promoting the health benefits of the aforementioned substances.  Bjorn L. Iar, a legend in the profession for converting sows’ ears into silk purses, agreed to an interview in his busy West Wing office.

“Mr. Iar, when thirty-five people, and counting, die, twenty percent of the electorate boycotts the elections, voters don’t know who or what they’re voting for, and election monitors are unable to do their jobs for fear of being killed, how can Mr. Bush describe this election as a “resounding success?”

“That kind of negativity is so unhelpful” Mr. Iar said chidingly.  “The truth is, the vote was held, millions of Iraqis participated, and a historic moment has arrived in a formerly despotic nation.   Democracy trumps tyranny yet again.  Freedom is on the march.”

“But what about reports that by staying away from the polls, the Sunni minority, formerly in power, will rise up against the inevitable ascendance of the Shias, leading to worsening sectarian violence?”

“Son, you sure got up on the wrong side of the bed.  The new Iraqi government will be inclusive, not exclusive.  Every one will be in the tent, all views will be heard, peace and prosperity are around the corner for the brave citizens of Iraq.”

“But they’re counting the votes by candle-light because there’s no electricity.”

“Freedom requires some sacrifices” said Iar, solemnly.

“President Bush just requested another eighty billion dollars in funds for the war in Iraq.  What about the new Inspector General’s report that says nine billion dollars was simply handed to Iraqi interim government officials and is now unaccounted for?”

“We don’t agree with those findings.  All monies are properly disbursed and accounted for in Iraq.  The study contained numerous errors and flaws.  We are confident that Iraqi reconstruction is proceeding smoothly and as planned.”

“But it’s the government’s own Inspector General!  Never mind. Would you care to comment on the three conservative pundits found to be in the pay of the government?  Three right-wing commentators, paid handsomely to write favorably about government policies.  One of them got a quarter of a million dollars.  Any, er, comment?”

“Sure” replied Bjorn L. Iar, pulling his checkbook from a desk drawer.  “How much do you want?”

©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
Last Words
Spreading Liberty
Lost Causes
Be Offended, Very Offended
Beastly Starving
Protecting the Nation
Meritorious or Meretricious?
Case of the Missing Gray Matter, Concluded