The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Last Laugh
Saturday, October 21th, 2006
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
Messrs. Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are meeting with their top generals today to discuss what is to be done about the Iraq tar baby.  Whatever they decide, Mr. Bush is unwavering on our ultimate objective.  In his radio address to the nation this morning, the president said “Our goal in Iraq is clear and unchanging: Our goal is victory.”

Any lingering doubts about the perils of being led by an ill-educated sports fan with a shaky command of his native tongue must now be dispelled.  Our president, a man, to borrow the words of Jane Austen, of “mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper,” wasn’t aware of the difference between Sunni and Shia prior to launching his war on terror.  He thinks the inhabitants of the land along the western shores of the Aegean are called “Grecians.”  He still refers to our closest kin in the family of nations as the “Great British.”  He believes in a “foreign-handed foreign policy.” About his own country he once remarked that “the true greatness of America are the people.”

For many, Mr. Bush’s ignorance and stupidity were the endearing traits of a regular sort of guy, an average Joe.  He was the amiable dunce, who gashed his head falling off a White House couch after choking on a pretzel while watching a football game on TV.  To his admirers, he was the appropriate leader for an age whose
zeitgeist was captured in a film called Dumb and Dumber.  Despite his patrician roots and upbringing of extreme privilege, his supporters thought him no better than themselves.  It didn’t seem to matter that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth because his tongue kept tripping over it.  His father may have been under the illusion that he’d hit a triple when in truth he was born on third base;  junior was handed a grand slam without ever shifting his backside from the armchair before the clubhouse flatscreen.

But it’s not funny any more.  Mr. Bush is a joke of a president, and the joke’s on us.  The president’s inability to think or speak is directly responsible for the hemorrhage of blood and treasure in Iraq. He has no understanding of grammar, no clue about the meaning of words, and no knowledge of history or geography or current events.  His imbecility is killing us. 

When the president says that our troops will remain in Iraq until we win, he’s muddled his tenses.  We have already won.  We toppled Saddam in a few short weeks of fighting.  We achieved a notable and speedy victory over three years ago.  But because the president doesn’t understand the meaning of victory, and cannot distinguish between “won” and “win,” our troops are still dying by the hundreds, and our treasury is emptying at the rate of two billion dollars a week.

The president insists that if we leave Iraq, that nation will become a haven of terrorists.  He believes the terrorists will then follow us home to wreak havoc on U.S. soil.  But the terrorists who attacked us here are led by Sunni extremists.  They had a safe haven in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan because the Taliban were themselves Sunni extremists.  Iraq is four-fifths Kurdish and Shiite.  Both groups despise and fear Sunnis. The Kurd-Shia majority is doing its very best to erase the Sunni minority at this very moment. Sunni terrorists in Iraq could never plot murder on American soil.  They’re far too busy trying to avoid being murdered themselves.

Furthermore, there’s no love lost between the Kurds and the Shias, or between the different factions within those two groups.  They’re industriously killing each other in their own neighborhoods.  They have no resources to spare to come after us here.

But just suppose that by some unimaginable concatenation of circumstances Iraq did become a terrorist state intent on harming the U.S. Terrorist states, unlike shadowy underground cells of terrorists, can easily be bombed into submission.  We did just that in Libya and Afghanistan.  We have the biggest and most powerful armed forces in the world, and any sovereign nation so misguided as to attack us knows it courts annihilation.  That’s why none do.

The tragedy splashed across our front pages every morning is entirely due to the fact that little details like these elude the president’s grasp.  We can avoid future similar tragedies by electing an intelligent and knowledgeable president next time.  Almost anyone short of another imbecile would do.  Meanwhile, we’re stuck with the man who jokingly said he watched the video of the 9/11 attacks and thought “Well, there’s one terrible pilot!”*   That was in Orlando, nearly five years ago, and nobody laughed.  Here’s the funny thing: we’re still not laughing.

Miller, Mark Crispin, The Bush Dyslexicon, Norton, NY, 2002

©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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