The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Faint Gap
Friday, February 29th, 2008
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?  Send a letter to the editor.
Women keep passing out at Obama rallies. This is not the case at Clinton, McCain, and Huckabee rallies. What can the other candidates do to close the faint gap?

The McCain campaign, staffed by grizzled veterans whose ideas about exciting crowds have the antiquated qualities of their candidate, has a plan.  Henceforth the Senator will eschew the white shirts and dark suits, the snappy red cardigans and the zippered golf jackets that are his wardrobe. From now on McCain makes his appearances in skin-tight white pants and spangled boots, topped by a silk shirt open to the belly button and ornamented by a glittering golden chain.  Instead of standing stiffly, McCain will waggle his hips and clutch his microphone with both hands ecstatically. Instead of mumbling soporifically, the Arizonan will croon sexily.  In a focus group test of the new McCain look, several people passed out before he even opened his mouth.

The Clinton campaign is taking a different tack. Rightly concluding their candidate is never going to thrill crowds into a state of unconsciousness, the Clintonians are making a virtue of necessity, lemonade from lemons. If she can’t arouse her audience senseless, she can surely bore them there. The Clinton stump speech has therefore been trebled in length. Gone is the toothy smile and the convulsive head nodding;  audiences will get a stern fixed glare instead.  The bright yellow jackets and piped pants suits will be replaced by a strictly subfusc wardrobe. Her tone will assume a McCainian drone and she’ll never try to make a funny again.  In a test run of her new persona, whole rows in the audience dropped like flies.

As an evangelical preacher, Mike Huckabee is no stranger to his listeners passing out. Many’s the time he’s seen ecstatic worshippers babble incoherently, writhe to the ground, froth at the mouth, and fall unconscious from an overflow of religious spirit, to say nothing of sheer exhaustion. This hasn’t happened on the campaign trail yet, but Huckabee’s speeches have been fairly tame. Apart from remarks like “I majored in miracles, not math” and “the constitution should be changed to agree more with the bible” he’s kept religious fervor out of his stump speech.

That will change. Drawing inspiration from the recent McCain endorsement by demented televangelist John Haggee, Mike plans to reveal the real Huckabee.  He’ll call for the nuking of Iran and the annexation of Palestine, the final leveling of Iraq, the release of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, for Armageddon, the Rapture, the Second Coming, What Not. The speech was written by Norm Podhoretz and Bill Kristol and will be adapted for McCain once Huck retires from the race. At a rehearsal the entire audience fainted dead away.


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A NOTE TO READERS
There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks.  The reason:  tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period.  At one point, they even managed to lose all the files.  In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming.  No one seemed able to fix the problem.  Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March.  A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called.  He had my letter before him.  Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day.  That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.

The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.

                              

©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008


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