|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|Thanks for the Memories
Friday, August 18th, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? email@example.com|
|President Bush is disappointed the Iraqis aren’t grateful for all we’ve done for them. The New York Times reports “the president expressed frustration that Iraqis had not come to appreciate the sacrifices the United States had made in Iraq.”
Some might see the killing or maiming of over twenty thousand Americans since we invaded as a clue to how Iraqis really feel about us. But this page joins in the presidential frustration. Those on the receiving end of the administration Iraq policy really have been rather rude in not properly thanking Mr. Bush. To make amends, we suggest our Iraqi friends compose a list of things to be grateful for. Inscribed on an ancient Babylonian clay tablet, and accompanied by a few choice local specialties, kebabs for example (sorry Mr. President, no pig), it will make an appropriate thank you gift for a chief executive who’s worked so hard on their behalf.
In case the Iraqis have trouble coming up with reasons to be grateful to President Bush, here are a few suggestions to get them started:
Thanks for the population control! Nobody’s really sure how many of us have died so far. It might be thirty thousand, as you suggested. It might be over a hundred thousand, according to the Johns Hopkins public health school. We do know that last month alone more than three and half thousand of us were killed. A country that used to suffer from over-population is truly grateful.
Thanks for the urban renewal! Our towns used to be so ugly, crumbling homes, open drains, Stalinist public buildings, oppressive mosques, and vulgar palaces. Between your bombing campaign and the civil war you touched off, much of this is now rubble. What an opportunity to build model cities, just like Wren’s London, or Haussman’s Paris, or L’Enfant’s Washington D.C. We plan to get started as soon as we can strike a deal with Wren, Haussman, or L’Enfant.
Thanks for helping us do our bit for global warming! Back in Saddam’s day, protecting the environment wasn’t exactly a priority. The policy was pump oil, then pump more oil, as much as our aging equipment could produce. But between your crooked contractors and the saboteurs your presence inspires, we’ve been producing less oil than we used to. And that’s really a good thing for our precious planet.
Thanks for including us in the war on terror! Under Saddam, all our terrorists were in the pay of the government. Of course they did horrible things to us, but everyone knows you can’t really be a terrorist if you’re also in line for a government pension. Since you dismissed the army, and the rest of the government too, our terrorists are where they belong: undercover and hiding amongst us. They still do terrible things, but as your Mr. Rumsfeld likes to say, “stuff happens!”
Thanks for the looting of our national art treasures! We can’t tell you how we suffered on those tedious field trips to our many museums and archeological sites. Between the looters you failed to control and your errant bombs, they’re now mostly destroyed. Iraqi schoolchildren will be expressing their gratitude for generations to come.
Thanks for the memory!
Of candlelight and wine, castles on the Rhine
The Parthenon and moments on, the Hudson River Line…
Only kidding about those latter items. Just like you, we don’t drink wine! But we really are grateful for all the romantic candlelight dinners. Without electricity for most of the day, we’ve come to rely on those old school oil lamps and candles. And an added bonus: we’re all getting a lot more sleep. Without power, many go to bed promptly at sundown.
Mr. President, we truly are grateful. You’ve done so much for us. But enough’s enough. We can’t impose on you any further. Accept our thanks, and go with our blessing. Like the song says:
So, thanks for the memory
And strictly entre-nous, darling how are you?
And how are all the little dreams that never did come true?
Aw'flly glad I met you, cheerio, and toodle-oo.**
**Find the text of Rainger and Robin’s Thanks for the Memory at http://www.latimes.com/news/obituaries/la-hope-lyrics,1,7409259.htmlstory?coll=la-news-obituaries&ctrack=1&cset=true
Bing Crosby sings it here, with apropos graphics.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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