|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|Lame Duck Hunting
Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|This page doesn’t like the glint in Dick Cheney’s beady eye. Belying his rotund figure, his look, ever since last Tuesday’s election, is that lean and hungry one sported by Cassius in Julius Caesar. And as the Swan of Avon so rightly maintained, today’s lean and hungry look is but a cock crow from tomorrow’s coup d’etat. Cheney has always been scary; these days he looks like something dreamed up by Alfred Hitchcock. Ominously, the man who shot a friend in the face went hunting for water fowl on election day. Follow the trail of clues, and the evidence for his hatching a truly bird-brained scheme is incontrovertible.
In Fiasco, Thomas Ricks quotes an army officer serving in Iraq as saying “this is like glueing feathers together and hoping for a duck.” The Republican chicken hawks have had their feathers plucked at the ballot box. But try as he might to regain his peacock strut, President Bush is ever the turkey. He proved it again last Saturday, when he said in his weekly radio address “all Americans can take pride in the example our democracy sets for the world by holding elections even in a time of war.”
This is a president fixated on the ballot box. He pushed the Palestinians to hold an election, thereby conferring power and legitimacy on Hamas, the duly elected winners. Since the ski-masked men of Hamas hate us almost as much as they hate the Israelis, and freely express their hatred with gun, bomb, and rocket, this wasn’t exactly the outcome the president had in mind. He pushed the Iraqis to hold an election. The Kurds voted the Kurdish ticket, the Shias voted for Shias, and the Sunnis voted for (no prizes for guessing) the Sunnis. This fractured vote contributed mightily to the further fragmentation of an already hopelessly divided country, and sectarian violence has done nothing but worsen ever since.
Now, by allowing the U.S. election to take place on schedule, “even in a time of war,” the president has done it again. The voters went to the polls, and instead of the expected Republican triumph, Mr. Bush’s party suffered a “thumpin.” Even the president’s most ardent supporters, Mr. Cheney chief among them, must be asking themselves “will he never learn?”
The president, after all, was chosen for the job by God Himself. As General William Boykin astutely observed after the 2000 election, since a plurality of the electorate hadn’t elevated Mr. Bush to his high office, it must have been God. The president himself reportedly tells intimates that he was God-picked.* And if the president was selected by the Almighty, his followers in office were too. Logically therefore, the voters’ rejection of so many of those followers last week, the loyal Santorum, the steadfast Allen, was not God’s work. Indeed, the devil made them do it. Who was the enabler of this infernal result? None other than George W., whose insistence on elections, “even in war time,” can only be a sign of demonic possession. And, as they discovered in Salem three hundred years ago, there’s only one cure for that.
Further consider this. Shortly before the election, paleontologists in Argentina dug up the skull of a ten foot tall carnivorous bird, able to swallow a dog in a single gulp. The monster roamed the pampas fifteen million years ago. The name of this creature? The Terror Bird. It’s no coincidence that it was found right in the middle of the Republicans’ war on terror.
With all the clues before us, we have but to deduce the truth: “You know my methods; pray apply them” as Sherlock Holmes admonished Watson. Julius Caesar presciently said of the lean and hungry looking Cassius “He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” Work forward from the Swan of Avon through the chicken hawks all the way to the Terror Bird, and the signs point one way. Mr. Cheney, who never met a bird he didn't want to shoot, may not wait for the Ides of March. Unlike Rumsfeld, he’s not going quietly into that good night. “Let me have men about me that are fat” said the doomed Caesar. Now a decidedly lame duck, that formula may not save President Bush.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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