The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Dick Cheney's Comedy Hour
Thursday, June 5th, 2008
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?  Send a letter to the editor.
“We’ve got Cheneys on both sides of the family – and we’re not even from West Virginia!” Thus did Dick Cheney launch his post vice presidential career as a stand-up comic. He’s been working on his material, and we found him hard at it in his West Wing office, scribbling, talking to himself, trying his jokes out loud, laughing heartily. Some require a little more work, even if the vice president thinks they are all without exception absolute screamers:

My daughter’s gay – and she’s not even from San Francisco! And my wife wrote a novel with hot lesbian sex – and she’s not even from Lesbos! And I’ve had, oh I don’t know, dozens of heart episodes and get this – I don’t even have a heart!

English was never my strong suit. The fact is, I flunked out of Yale. Vocabulary was a particular weakness. So when George Bush asked me to find him a “vice” president I had to look up vice in the dictionary. According to the American Heritage vice means, “wicked or evil conduct or habits; corruption.” So that’s why my vice presidential pick -- was me!

So this Cajun walks into a bar with an Afghan and an Iraqi. The Cajun puts his head in his hands and says,  “man oh man, Katrina got my whole neighborhood and the government didn’t do diddley.” And the Afghan turns to him and says, “That’s nothing. Your government took out my whole village and didn’t do diddley. The Iraqi looks at both of them and shakes his head. “Why are you grousing about a lack of diddley? The government wrecked my entire country! That’s getting diddled, big time.”

Everyone’s complaining about the price of oil. Sure, it’s gone up more than six-fold since George and me took office. And sure, that’s causing severe pain for commuters, wiping out whole industries like trucking and airlines, and pouring money into the hands of our enemies the islamofascists. But have you looked at my Exxon stock lately? Because I haven’t -- it’s in a blind trust!

People ask me what I learned in my years as vice president. For one thing, if you have a few beers and then shoot your hunting buddy in the face with a shotgun, it’s really important to make the martinis afterwards a little sweeter than usual. Sugar is good for shock. And if your country gets attacked, it’s really really important to have a secure bunker in an undisclosed location to be safe in. And if you retire from your CEO job to serve the nation, make policies like waging war and jacking up defense spending that benefit your former corporation.  Especially if you still own stock in it.

I don’t know why people get upset about a little torture at Abu Grahib and Guantanamo. I mean, they’re only bad guys. Plus, talk about torture: none of those detainees ever had to sit through a cabinet meeting with Don Rumsfeld.

They say my approval ratings are low. Don’t tell me about low. I know low, believe me. I’ve worked under George Bush for seven years.

How about that Scott McClellan? He claims I’m the magic man who made everything happen in this administration. 9/11, Iraq, Katrina, the recession, the erosion of  civil liberties, the corruption of the judicial system, the climate of fear and lying we’ve been living in for seven long years. What a joke. Of course he’s right! But here’s the thing of it: The real joke’s on all of you!
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2008


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A NOTE TO READERS ***Update***
Another three week plus hiatus, from April 30th until May 23rd, again due to Yahoo Geocities dismal service.

There was nothing new at The Nossiter Net between March 3rd and April 26th, 2007, nearly eight weeks.  The reason:  tech sabotage. Yahoo Geocities, the host for this site, denied access for the entire period.  At one point, they even managed to lose all the files.  In many discussions with Yahoo staff, no clear explanation was forthcoming.  No one seemed able to fix the problem.  Ruling out the possibility of Dubbya’s revenge, I finally wrote to Mr. Terry Semel, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! Inc and described the ordeal the page had undergone since the beginning of March.  A week later, a helpful Yahooo engineer named Jason called.  He had my letter before him.  Though he couldn’t do the repairs on on the spot, he promised a fix by the next day.  That was April 26th, nearly two months after shutting me down in the first place.

The Nossiter Net apologizes, which is more than I can say for Yahoo Geocities.

                              




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