The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Devil Made Them Do It
Saturday, October 14th, 2006
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
O HUSHED October morning mild,
Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;
To-morrow’s wind, if it be wild,
Should waste them all.
Robert Frost, A Boys Will, 1915

With mid-month upon us, the nation waits apprehensively, or eagerly depending on one’s point of view, for Karl Rove’s October surprise.  Will it be a U.S. air strike against Iranian nuclear facilities?  Cruise missiles for North Korean atomic plants?  Does the administration have Osama Bin Ladin in cold storage, waiting to be trotted out just in time for election day?  Is the Pentagon preparing for another diversionary invasion of Grenada, or Panama, or perhaps Chavez’s Venezuela for a change of pace?  With the GOP in danger of losing both houses of Congress, Karl Rove certainly has something up his sleeve.  Precisely what remains a mystery, but clues abound.

Representative Bob Ney just pleaded guilty to corruption charges.  The Ohio Republican took tens of thousands of dollars in gifts and trips from GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff in exchange for legislative services.  Mr. Ney told the court he is undergoing treatment for alcoholism.

Representative Mark Foley, who quit his post in disgrace for preying on teenage congressional pages, had his lawyer tell the press that, in mitigation, he was abused as a child by a clergyman.  The Florida Republican also checked into rehab for alcoholism treatment.

Darling of the right wing evangelical movement and movie star Mel Gibson has apologized for his demented anti-Semitic ravings to a Malibu police officer.  Though unapologetic about his dementedly anti-Semitic film about Jesus Christ, Mr. Gibson blamed the former transgression on his life-long struggle with alcoholism.  As soon as the news broke, he checked into rehab for treatment.

Representative Randy Cunningham is currently in jail for taking hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes in exchange for steering fat government contracts to favored defense companies.  The California Republican, while never really admitting wrongdoing, blamed his lapses of judgement on alcoholism.

It’s not hard to see where this is leading.  The Republicans have six years of willfully destructive misrule to account for.   Mr. Bush has bankrupted the country, mired us in two bloody foreign conflicts, and undermined or destroyed, from FEMA to the Supreme Court, every agency of government.  His reckless incompetence and mindless ignorance has sparked the beginning of a worldwide nuclear arms race that may finish us all rather sooner than we would have wished.  There’s little doubt that, at the electorally strategic moment, the White House will announce Mr. Bush’s relapse.  His renascent alcoholism has been responsible for all that’s gone wrong, and he’s checking into rehab.

But that’s only part one of Rove’s October surprise.  The “sorry guys, he was wasted” excuse, accompanied by expiatory appearances on Oprah and Larry King, will only go so far. This administration believes in pre-emption, in classifying just about everything as an enemy, then striking before it so much as quivers.  And so “we can’t let the smoking gun turn into a mushroom cloud” and “we fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here” will give way to “Stop the Sauce at the Source,” and “Beelzebub is a Brewer,” or even “The Triumvirate of Tribulation: Martinis, Mojitos, and Manhattans.”

When Mr. Bush announces the repeal of the 21st Amendment and the return of prohibition, check back here for a list of approved bootleggers.

©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2006
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