The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
Sell of the Century
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
“I bin studyin’ up on this, so lemme see if I got it all straight now. We invaded Iraq because Saddam Hussein was a clear and present danger to the United States.  He had an arsenal of weapons of mass destruction, and we were his target for them.  But in fact he had no WMD, and our intelligence said so;  we just ignored our own intel.  And he wasn’t a threat to anyone but his own people, and we knew that too.  His army spent eight years fighting Iranian cannon fodder, untrained, ill-equipped, shoeless conscripts, and the best Saddam could manage was a stalemate.  So he couldn’t possibly have been a threat to the best-trained and best equipped army in the world, which is to say, ours.  How’m I doin’ so far?”

“Okay, let’s go on.  We invaded Iraq because Saddam Hussein was harboring Al Qaeda terrorists, supporting the Al Qaeda organization, and plotting with Al Qaeda against the U.S.  Saddam Hussein was directly involved in the 9/11/01 attacks on our soil.  ‘Cept that, there were no Al Qaeda in Iraq, Al Qaeda and Saddam hated each other, and Saddam had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11.  And we knew that from the outset, but said different for P.R. reasons.  Right?”

“So we invaded Iraq to overthrow a vicious tyrant who was slaughtering his own people, suppressing their liberties, cheating, imprisoning, raping, and torturing them, menacing his neighbors, and living in lavish palaces while his people went without basic necessities.  Now that we’ve invaded, we are slaughtering and torturing Iraqi citizens, imprisoning them, planting fake news stories in their newspapers, failing to provide water and electricity and security, meanwhile living in Saddam’s old lavish palaces.  And while all this is going on, our guys are getting maimed and slaughtered themselves.  That about sum it up?”

“Right.  We invaded Iraq to install a democratic government that would inspire and encourage democracy throughout the Middle East, thus bringing freedom and peace to the entire region.  Only the government shaping up in Iraq is a theocratic thugocracy on the lines of the Iranian model, supported by our enemy Iran, that is bent on establishing another Islamofascist dictatorship just like the Irananian one.  That’s going to rile up the Saudis and the other Sunni allies we’ve got in the region, with serious destablilizing consequences.  Meanwhile in the north, the Kurds have set up their own milder quasi-autonomous secular thugocracy, thereby encouraging the Kurds in neighboring Turkey, our ally, to agitate for their own autonomous state, with seriously destabilizing consequences.  Y’all following me so far?”

“So, okey, we invaded Iraq ‘cause they weren’t pumping enough oil to suit us.  Since they have the second biggest oil reserves in the world after the Saudis, that was a big deal.  ‘Cept that, now that we’ve invaded, thanks to insurgents blowing up pipelines and settin’ fire to oil rigs and supply lines under attack and so on, Iraqi oil production is below the Saddam era levels.  Ain’t that right?”

“Now y’all, here’s yer chance to chime in.  Have I got this summary about right, or did I go wrong somewheres?”

There was spontaneous applause from the assembled staff and officials.  White House counsel Harriet Miers looked at the President, her eyes shining.  “Sir, if I may say so, you have brilliantly, eloquently, and flawlessly summed up the past and present history of the Iraq conflict.  Thank you so very much.”

President Bush raised his hand to cut off the applause that greeted Ms. Miers' encomium.  He looked around the crowded room and spotted his Vice President, who was doing his best to avoid eye contact.  “Whaddya have to say, Dick?  Have I been a good student?  Have I finally figured out what’s goin’ on, more or less?”

“Yes Mr. President.”  The Vice President’s voice was barely above a whisper.  “Your summary was lucid and accurate.  My congratulations.”

President Bush nodded, his thin lips compressed.  “Thanks for that, Dickey.  Grateful to you for the support.  Noticed that Halliburton was up a tick yesterday, wadn’t it?  Gone from what, ‘bout $9.00 to $66.00 since the invasion?  What is that, about a 633% gain?  Sure glad some good has come out of this invasion, yessiree.  Y’all must be a popular man with Halliburton stockholders, sure enough.”

The President cleared his throat and smirked his trademark twisted smirk.  His eyes, however, were not smiling.  “So now all that remains is figuring out what to do next.  That speech I gave the other day, the Plan for Victory speech, that was a step in the right direction.  But it didn’t go far enough.  So tomorrow I’m givin’ another speech.  Wrote it myself.  It’s called Declaration of Victory in Iraq.  I declare victory, and bring everybody home in time for Christmas.  You believe in Santa, Dick?  Well here’s my Christmas present to you:  call your broker, and sell Halliburton.  Today.”

©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
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