The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by J.C. Nossiter
The Morning Mendacity
Monday, November 15th, 2004
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
The Pentagon has announced the development of a universal, wireless, military internet, the Global Information Grid, or GIG, that will allow soldiers to see and hear the enemy wherever he may be, affording military personnel, in the Pentagon spokesman’s words,  a “God’s eye view” of the battlefield.  In an early test of the new technology, a random sample of post-election week chatter was collected from around the world:

Walden O’Dell, CEO, Diebold Corporation of Ohio, to David Balluci, SVP, Customer Solutions:  Dave, I know you did your best.  I loved the machines that voted Bush, even when the voter kept pressing the Kerry button.  And the machines that recorded more votes for Bush than there were voters?  Beautiful.  You’re the best Dave, no question.  But a margin of 135,000 was cutting it a little close.  My word was on the line, remember?  I promised to deliver Ohio, and I did, but we’ve got to do better next time.  Here’s my idea for ‘06:  we program the machines so that a 3% margin is automatically added to any Republican lead.  I know what you’re thinking – what if, God forbid, a Democrat is winning?  Get this:  we program the machine so that the results are reversed, giving the Republican the lead.  Then the extra 3% margin kicks in.  Simple, and effective, no?  Get right on it.  Now about those “enhanced”, heh heh, ATMs you’re working on…

David Lesar, CEO, Halliburton Co. of Houston, Texas, to his wife:  Honey?  I just got the American Express bill.  Look, I know our stock is up 70% for the year, but two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars for a coffee table?  Whaddya mean it’s inlaid?  Inlaid with what for chrissakes, diamonds?  I’m not shouting and I can goddam swear if I want to.  My pay was only five mil last year, whaddya think, I’m made of money?  Goddam it, you take that coffee table back right now, you hear me?  Honey?  Honey?

John Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States, Washington, D.C., to his God:  That smirking little S.O.B. shoved me out.  Told me we needed to go in a different direction.  Said it was time for a change.  Expected my resignation letter on his desk in twenty-four hours.  Please, oh Lord, smite my enemies as they smittest me.  Let your wrath fall upon the smirking S.O.B. and his evil minions.  Let his approval ratings fall, his administration come unglued, his control over Congress falter.  For thine is the power, and the glory.  And I pray that in retirement I can make 500k a year in speaking fees, like that godless prick George Tenet.

[Video feed for the Global Information Grid is not fully operational, but the satellite infra-dig camera did record Mr. Ashcroft jotting the following during his prayer:  Memo to Self – call that Cobb County School Board lawyer about the bio textbook stickers.] 
Editor’s note:  see below.

Conference call, Vladimir Putin, Moscow, Tony Blair, London, Silvio Berlusconi, Rome:  Tony?  Silvio?  Vlad here.  So, smirking little S.O.B. did it again. Brezhnev himself more subtle, even if did insist on 97% of vote.  We are only friends of George, even if can’t stand brainless hypocrite.  So.  What is to be done?  Pressure him into acting more reasonably?  Or let hang himself with own reckless folly?   I say, give all possible rope.  Thanks to Abu Grahib and Fallujah, have absolutely free hand in Chechnya.  Also can suppress domestic opposition, no interference from Amnesty International busybodies.  For you two, is also all good.  More stupidly George acts, more can distance selves from his policies, no appearance of flip-flop.  What means, “flip-flop”, anyway?

Linwood Gunn, lawyer, to Cobb County Ga. School Board:  Those stickers we put on the biology textbooks, advisin’ that evolution is just a theory, no better’n any other?  Y’all can change the wording back to the original version now.  Recollect it?  The Attorney General has Determined That the Study of Evolution is Hazardous to Your Moral Health.

Election worker, Land O’Lakes, Florida, to the
New York Times:  The voters voted their moral conscience and re-elected Bush.  The Lord be praised.

Surveying his scores of fresh recruits, Osama bin Ladin, cave, Pakistan-Afghanistan border, to himself:  The infidels re-elected Bush.  Allah be praised.

©J.C. Nossiter, 2004
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