|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by J.C. Nossiter
|The Morning Mendacity
Friday, November 12th, 2004
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org|
|Our unending quest for greater understanding and world betterment takes us to the office of Dr. Humbert Helsing, Director of the Center for Advanced Nexology, high in the Wasatch Mountains of northern Utah. Dr. Helsing, thank you for meeting with us. Is it really possible that you and your institution can provide a solution for every problem facing us today?
“You see, it’s really very simple. From our aerie here at the Center for Advanced Nexology, CAN as we like to call it, we study the inter-relations of all things, the sometimes obscure connections between otherwise well-known phenomena. This study takes us beyond the realm of the possible and into a region we call the hyper-practical, in which reason and logic provide workable solutions to otherwise intractable problems.
Take, for example, the sexual exploitation of the laity by men of the cloth, and the issue of gay marriage. Religious organizations spend tens of millions of dollars each year settling the lawsuits of the victims of abuse by priests. Gays, meanwhile, find their aspirations to perfect social acceptance blocked, often by these same religious organizations. The solution is obvious, at least to a trained nexologist: let priests marry each other! This will simultaneously end priestly sexual abuse and confer the ultimate degree of social respectability on gay marriage. Because what, after all, could be more respectable than a two-priest household?
Let us next examine the twin crises of education and incarceration in the United States. Prison populations are soaring; states such as California now spend more on imprisoning the population than on educating it. Indeed, it costs more to incarcerate a citizen for a year than it does to send him to university. Meanwhile, the general population gives every evidence of growing more ignorant by the day. Furthermore, lack of education and the propensity to commit crimes are strongly correlated. Once again, the solution practically writes itself: send all the university students to prison, and all prison inmates to university! Students can pursue their studies in a peaceful setting free from distractions, while prisoners gain an education that will keep them out of jail. Crime is reduced, and the taxpayer saves untold billions.
Global warming and the various conflicts in the Middle East? The former will soon turn Antarctica into a tropical garden, precisely the type of place likely to appeal to Muslims aiming for paradise. The latter are primarily territorial disputes and result from excessive competition for scarce land resources. Now that you are familiar with Nexological analysis, how would you solve these problems? Exactly. An Antarctic land grant for all middle-easterners, whose present homes, once the polar ice caps melt, are likely to be under water a few decades from now anyway.
Excessive healthcare costs, the scarcity of medical insurance, and the growing shortage of doctors? We spend more on administering our healthcare system than it would cost to insure every citizen. Meanwhile, fewer young people are going into medicine. The solution is clear: confer special medical degrees on all healthcare administrators, licensing them to prescribe placebos. The savings would be enormous, the abundance of doctors would make healthcare available to all at low cost, and few patients would notice the difference between traditional doctors and the newly-created ones. Indeed, considering the positively harmful drugs sold by the large pharmaceutical companies, the health of many patients would probably improve.
Venality, incompetence, and mendacity in politicians, and the critical lack of organ donors? By now you are familiar with my methods; pray apply them."
©J.C. Nossiter, 2004
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