|The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
|The Cabal Guy
Friday, October 21st, 2005
|The Nossiter Net is cast to snare some of the riper rascalities of the day. Comments? email@example.com|
|The President dropped his Washington Post and flipped the intercom switch.
“Get Cheney in here” he barked.
The Vice President waddled into the Oval Office moments later. He looked nervous, his chalky complexion having acquired a grayish tinge.
The President’s lips disappeared in an angry frown. He shoved the newspaper across the desk so the Vice President could read the headline: COLONEL FINALLY SAW WHITES OF THEIR EYES,* it read.
The Dana Millbank column was about Colonel Larry Wilkerson, Colin Powell’s chief aide at the State Department, a former Marine Corps War College Director with over thirty years of military service. In a speech at the New America Foundation, Colonel Wilkerson had denounced Mr. Bush’s “cowboyism” and Condi Rice’s “weakness.” Above all, Colonel Wilkerson was incensed about the "Cheney-Rumsfeld cabal" that had “hijacked U.S. foreign policy.”
“I’m presumptin’ you read this already? Now you just tell me all about it” the President demanded.
Mr. Cheney was breathing hard. “A disgruntled former State Department hack” the Vice President said slowly, after a pause. The words seemed to encourage him, and he began speaking more confidently, as though suddenly sure of the right tack.
“Another vicious critic, George, like that swine Joe Wilson, or former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neil. You know the type, George. They’re jealous of your success, envious of all the great things you’re doing for the country. Why, they even hate the fact you’re handsome and fit and popular with the ladies. They’re out to get you any underhanded way they can. You let me deal with him, same as I dealt with Wilson and O’Neil. This Wilkerson won’t be any further trouble, I guarantee it.”
“Oh yeah?” the President sneered. “Y’all did a fine job with the Wilson business, yessiree. No more trouble from that quarter, sure ‘nuff. NOT! Dammit Dick, that little business with Joe Wilson and his wife is costing me dearly, and don’t you deny it. Can’t even have Karl at my side anymore. Too embarassin’ for both of us. I miss Karl, dammit. But that’s not what I want to talk about. It’s this story that has me hot and bothered. HOT and BOTHERED, you hear me?”
“Yes Mr. President.” The reply was spoken with uncharacteristic meekness.
“Now, first off: Hijackin’! Millbank says you and Rummy engaged in hijackin’! Now dammit Dick, I don’t much care what y’all do most of the time, you know that. No boss ever gave his employees more laxitude than me, you know that. But we can’t have any hijackin’ in this administration, not after all we said about those 9/11 evil-doers. I can’t have members of my administration doin’ somethin’ I been speakin’ against for more ‘n four years. Now can I?”
Startled, the Vice President raised his eyes from the floor. A look of incredulity flickered across his pasty face. Hastily rearranging his features, he looked the President straight in the eye and said firmly “I understand Sir. It won’t happen again.”
“Well, I should hope not. But that’s not my main concern here, Dick. Now, what have I been sayin’ since the moment I moved in here? Can’t think? Lemme refresh your memory. Since the moment Laura and me moved into the White House, I been demandin’ we get rid of that darn satellite TV dish. I don’t like satellite, never did, but we have to have it for security reasons, so’s I’m told. Too easy to disrupt other forms of communications; that’s the answer I always get when I order it disconnected. Now what do I read in today’s paper? You and Rummy have CABLE! Says so right here, and I quote this Colonel Wilkerson: ‘"What I saw was a cabal between the vice president of the United States, Richard Cheney, and the secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld."’ Now Dick, that’s just not right, and you know it. The President has to put up with satellite TV, and his own Vice and Defense Secretary get cable? That’s not fair Dick, it’s just not fair.”
His expression a curious mix of relief and utter disbelief, the Vice President promised to attend to the matter immediately and waddled out the door, laughing silently. He couldn’t wait to get to the phone: Rummy was going to enjoy this one.
©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
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