The Nossiter Net
The net that shall enmesh them all
Edited, Written, and Published by Josh Nossiter
The Morning Mendacity
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
The Nossiter Net is cast  to snare some of  the riper rascalities of the day.  Comments?
In his press conference last week, President Bush committed truth when he said “I can only speak to myself.”*  It’s the first honest statement he’s made in five years as President.  Citizens who have wondered at the President’s actions need wonder no longer.  We now know why we have a futile war in Iraq, a sham war on terror everywhere else, and domestic policies designed to destroy public services.   Mr. Bush gets all his advice from an ignorant, incurious, and deeply untrustworthy source:  himself.

What does he say, this leader of the free world, when he engages in an interior dialogue?  That’s a question only Mr. Bush can really answer.  But based on the clues he’s scattered, and on the President’s own dual nature, this page has reconstructed the following recent presidential internal advisory session.  Bear in mind that Mr. Bush is composed of two parts:  “George”, the born-again zealot in the cause of religious domination and the interests of big business, and “W”, the Andover, Yale, and Harvard cowboy.  Sitting with his snakeskin boots propped on the Oval Office desk, or striding around his Texas ranch, chainsaw in hand, when “George” talks to “W” the conversation goes like this:

George:  I ‘preciate all the great service John Bolton’s done for his country, for the party.  Whether it was stopping that pesky recount in Florida in 2000, or fixing our intelligence reports on North Korea, JB’s always been a go to kind of guy.  But I wish he weren’t so blessed unpleasant.  Even the Republicans are beginning to turn away from him.  His nomination’s going to need plenty of help from the Almighty, that’s clear.

W:  Lighten up, George!  Grab a frosty and stop your frettin’.  JB’s a kick-ass kind a guy, or at least a kiss-up, kick-down kind of guy.  He’s going to shake up those fat bureaucrat furriners runnin’ the Noo Yited Nashuns, make ‘em get up off thair furry furrin keysters.  We need that boy in the job, and we’re gonna git’m.

George:  Now W, you know I don’t touch beer no more.  I have seen the light, and the good Lord Jesus has seen fit to bless me with his mercy.  Amen.  And that hasn’t affected our campaign contributions from the brewers and distillers, not one bit.  Jest the other day old Pete Coors sent in another check.  But I’m worried about Bolton, can’t help it.  Gonna look bad if his nomination’s blocked.  Gotta see what Cheney can do to fix it.  He’s Cheney’s boy anyway.

W:  Shee-it George!  You talkin’ like a sassafras sippin’ dude.  You want Bolton, you get Bolton.  Yer the President, dammit.  You get whatever in hell you want;  it’s in the job description.  You go to the Senate and tell those fat Democrats what for, you hear me?  Just stir ‘em up some, get ‘em off their fat liberal keysters.

George:  Don’t work that way, W.  Not so fer’s I can tell.  They gotta have their vote, see?  So I gotta persuade ‘em that JB ain’t so bad as he seems.  There’s gotta be something about him that’ll change people’s minds…

W:  Ugliest lookin’ coot I ever did see, anyhow.  Maybe if we hid his head in a paper bag when he’s up there testafyin’.  Say, that’s a hell of an idea, ain’t it?  Put JB’s head in a bag and he won’t look half so bad.

George:  That ain’t gonna work, and you know it W.  No, let’s lookit this thing objectively.  Now, JB’s fat, and he’s got a lot of hideous facial hair.  Ok, now who else is fat and has a lot of facial hair that’s also a right-thinking Republican that don’t scare people?  How ‘bout Kenneth Tomlinson, the new boss over at PBS?  Naw, that won’t work so good after all.  Those d – those blessed pointy-headed liberals already have their shorts in a twist over him.  And all he wants to do is turn PBS into another Fox News outlet, for pete’s sake.  Gotta be somebody else.

W:  Fat, facial hair, Republican.  I got it!  Santy Clause.  All’s you gots to do is point out the resemblance, and Bolton’s in like Flynn.

George:  You sure Santa Clause is a Republican?  Oh yeah, got to be.  He wears red.  You know W, I think you’re on to something there.  Matter of fact, I’m going to order Cheney to grow a beard.  Right now.


©Joshua C. Nossiter, 2005
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